we all deserve something more

2003-09-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

well, hi there.

i saw REM live last night, at bumbershoot in seattle. now, i really like (eh, maybe even love, and i don't use that word lightly) REM, but i didn't have particularly high expectations for this show, since 1)i'm not that crazy about their latest stuff; and 2)it's a festival show.. a hot, sweaty, packed festival show. not the best way to see a band for the first time.

but having said all that... i was completely blown away. i've never seen REM live before, so i have nothing to compare this show to, and don't know how it holds up compared to other REM shows.. maybe that's a good thing though. i just know that i thoroughly, utterly enjoyed myself. they played nightswimming! god, if i could only count how many times i've listened to that song and cried because it's so beautiful... and they played new test leper! call me nuts, but that's probably my favorite song on adventures in hifi. before it started, micheal said something to the effect of, "we don't play this often, becasue the... what do you call it?... the meter is too hard for the people." totally paraphrased, but ha!

the criteria i use to judge a show are, 1)does it make me forget my everyday worries?; and 2)do i want it to end? simplistic, but not all that many shows pass both tests. REM did though, and that, to me, equals an exceptional rock show.

i also saw the rockfords for the first time on friday. i've wanted to see them for.. forever, but it never worked out for me. awesome. wonderful. i love carrie akre's voice.. and mike mccready. that's all i'll say about that.

all in all, a good weekend. now back to regular life. sometimes i wish life could be all rock n'roll and no worrying, ya know? i worry too much, and my real life sucks a little too much. it seems like the only time i'm completely happy is when i'm seeing a really good concert.

2002-08-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

let me title this post: i have seen bruce springsteen live and i have been delivered.

ok, ok, so it's been months since i've last posted. i'm now a college graduate who is three thousand miles from her home about to start graduate school working part-time at a daycare and wondering who the hell she is trying to fool because it sure ain't herself. i can see right through my own act: i'm just a scared, lonely, totally inept 22 year old who has no idea about anything.

but: i saw bruce springsteen live last night. man, oh man. it was one of the best nights of my life as a music fan. i wish i had an outlet, or someone to talk to face-to-face about how it made me feel, but i don't, because no one i know understands how i feel about music, and i'm at a loss to put it into words myself. i am now officially excited (to put it mildly) about music again for really the first time in as long as i can remember. the springsteen show reminded me how much music can mean, and how healing it truly can be. i swear, i felt like i was the only person in that arena, like he was singing right to me. and the songs about 9/11... empty sky and missing.... there are no words. there just are no words. the raw emotion, the power, that voice. there are no words. so i won't even try, because there is no way i can do my heart justice. everything i type sounds corny and wrong.

november 12. god, i cannot wait to hear the new pearl jam album. i can't wait to see them live. i so need to see pearl jam live right now. today i listened to them for the first time in quite awhile.. i mean, really listened, didn't just use the music as background noise while i did something else. and "present tense" was the song that came up when i put the cd player on random. listening to pearl jam after a long hiatus is to me one of the best things in the world, because it's like seeing an old friend again. there's the awkward moment when you first meet of not knowing what to say - it's been so long. but then comes the realization that even though it's been a long time since you've seen each other, you still love each other and feel comfortable and right in each other's company. and "present tense" - that was just the right song for me. it always is. if there's one song that i haven't seen live yet and would give almost anything to, it's this one.

can't see nothin' in front of me
can't see nothin' coming up behind
i make my way through this darkness
i can't feel nothing but this chain that binds
lost track of how far i've gone
how far i've gone,
how high i've climbed
on my back's a sixty pound stone
on my shoulder a half mile of line
come on up for the rising
come on up lay your hands in mine
come on up for the rising
come on up for the rising tonight.

2002-05-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

well, here i am. it's been a while.

i just have all these strange emotions inside of me right now. 2 weeks from now i will be a college graduate. me, a college graduate. god, it sounds so odd. it's not really that i'd never thought this time would come, because i always knew that one day i would graduate, but i just never really thought about it and envisioned it as a reality - does that make sense? sometimes - especially in the past few days - i'll just have this feeling of nostalgia, and it comes at the most random times - like when i'm brushing my hair or drinking coffee in the morning, for example. it's like i can't believe that i'm 21 and graduating from college and moving out to washington. but i can believe it, at the same time; because i know that i've come so far in the past four years. i honestly can't even relate to the girl i was even last year - i think i've grown and changed so much (in a good way.) i'm not as scared anymore, i have more confidence in myself and know that i *can* do things even if i think that i can't.

i'm so excited for graduation. i hear friends saying that they're excited too, but also feel sad to be leaving, and i can only partially understand that. i mean, i'm sad to be leaving my friends here, i'm a bit sad to be leaving vermont, there are things about this school that i'll miss - but i'm so excited to be starting the next part of my life, that i can hardly even contain myself. it is frightening to think about leaving the safety of college, though; and *that* is the understatement of the year. i'm going to be living on my own for the first time - i don't really consider living in a dorm to be "living on my own." i guess it is, in a way - but it's also not. and last summer doesn't really count - i was living out in tacoma, but i didn't feel like i was really on my own. i knew that i was going home at the end of the summer. this is going to be different. i'm going out there in may, and aside from a short trip home during christmas, i don't know when or even if i'll ever go back to maine permanently. i'll certainly never be living at my parent's house again.

i'm going to maine on wednesday. yay!!!!!! i've been bored out of my mind for the past week or so, because i have all my work done. all that's left is my oral examination - which is on the 15th.

i've been getting back into pearl jam lately, after quite a long break from them. before the other day when i went to holyoke and decided to listen to "binaural" in the car i hadn't listened to any pj for about 6 or 7 months. i always love getting back into the band after a long break from them - it's sort of like becoming reaquainted (yikes, i spelled that wrong. sorry. if i was less lazy i'd get up and walk the two steps to my bookcase and get my dictionary) with an old friend. there's just something so comforting to me about pj's music.

i think i shouldn't have had that 2nd cup of coffee a few minutes ago. it only made my headache worse, and now i'm tired too. i'm going to a dance thing tonight - well, the dance department's spring dance production. should be good, those are always pretty entertaining. oh my god, i just remembered: last night my friend and i went to the weirdest play on campus that i have ever seen. it was based on james joyce's "ulysses," and true to the book, i did not understand a word of the play. it was so bizarre. i spent the first hour of the play thinking that i am a big moron, because i couldn't understand what the hell was going on - but at intermission my friend turned to me and said, "i have NO idea what is happening," so i felt better because i knew it wasn't just me.

ok, i think maybe i'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. in the future, i'll try to remember that this thing exists, and that i should right more often. can't make any promises, though:) ciao -

2002-04-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

god, i've felt so weird lately. the other day, my mom and i were making a list of the stuff that i want to have shipped out to tacoma - and after we said goodbye, i started crying. i mean, i'm so happy and excited to be moving to tacoma, but i am also a bit frightened/sad to be leaving everything that i know. it's very bittersweet. it's just hard to think of leaving everything i have ever known. nothing will ever be the same again. nothing has been the same for a long time now, but i guess it's really starting to hit home just now. i'm going to be an - gasp! - adult. and it's scary. and exhilerating. and wonderful. all at the same time. but it's really really fucking frightening.

it's ninety degrees out today. i wish i could go sit outside and enjoy it - wait, i can. i think i'll go do that right now. maybe i'll write more later. see ya -

2002-03-13T18:52:00.000-08:00

I GOT IN TO GRAD. SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-03-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

i have my car back!! woo-hoo. it's all nice and new and shiny. i like it.

nicole and i went to friendly's for late lunch/dinner and ice cream. i had a hot fudge sundae. haven't had one of those in awhile. when we came back, i went for a walk, called my mom, wasted a bunch of time sitting around being unmotivated, and now here i am. my ears hurt. my throat hurts. i have a cold and i don't like it. listening to carrie akre's cd, which is so good that if you don't have it i don't know what you're waiting for. seriously. it's a wonderful, wonderful cd.

sorry i haven't written in awhile. there i go again, apologizing, when in reality i don't think anyone cares if i write or not. but i kind of like to write. i dunno, it's kind of fun i guess.

yeah, fun, but i don't have much to say. on thursday we went to keene (new hampshire) and had dinner at pizzeria uno. we split the most wonderful four cheese pizza. yum. so i've been having a lot of good food lately. good food = happy megan. doesn't take much.

still haven't heard from the university. oh well. things are looking up, and i'm optimistic. i'm sure everything'll turn out for the best. i've been running to my mailbox every day like a madwoman though. i want to know for sure already, dammit. :)

thursday at noon = me, out of here. thank god. thursday around 6PM = me, at home. yay!!!!! spring break, oh how i love you.

but i know i'll find a place that i call home
that is deep inside of me, yes where i'll never feel alone...

--carrie akre.

2002-03-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

i think i'm having a bit of a breakdown. i'm just feeling so much stress lately. i literally feel like i could explode at any minute. i'm sick of myself, i'm sick of being in college, i'm sick of living in a dorm, i'm sick of my damn "Plan," i'm sick of my teachers, i'm sick of every thing. i want to get out of here. thank god spring break is in less than two weeks. at noon on the 14th i'm out of here, for two entire weeks! that sounds nice. god, that sounds nice.

still haven't heard from the university. that's part of my mood, i'm sure. i'm worried. i'm really worried. hello, obssessive compulsive disorder. nice to see ya again. it's me, megan. i'm sure you remember me.

i'm hungry. i ate an entire personal sized boboli pizza for dinner, though. i put a fresh tomato on it (i ahte that tomato paste they have. yuck) it reminded me of being in italy with my mom. we went to siena one day, and had lunch in this restaraunt that was right across from the famous piazza there. we sat outside, and i had a pizza margarita (thin crust, with cheese and real tomatoes). it was so good. i so so so want to go back to italy. right now. because i'm having a mental breakdown, have i mentioned that?

the weather is so weird lately, that it worries me. hello, global warming. please go away now, ok? i really don't like you much.

my car's gone. not for good (i hope). just until thursday or friday. then it'll be all better. it'll have a brand spaking new bumper. and the trunk will open again (someone rear-ended me, in case you're wondering what the hell i'm talking about. last month sometime).

ok, i guess i'll have some crackers or something. which is bad because i've been eating like there' s no tomorrow lately. ugh.

2002-02-23T06:58:00.000-08:00

my apologies for updating this thing so sporadically. i mean to make this a more regular thing, but despite my best intentions i have just never been very good at keeping a journal.

well, i still haven't heard from the university about whether or not i got into the MAT program. they have rolling admissions, so i assumed that i would hear once i got all my application materials in (which was awhile ago, i thought). so on tuesday i called the admisisons department, and was pretty surprised when they told me that they hadn't recieved my recommendations yet. i was also pretty pissed, seeing as how i had given the forms to my professors before DECEMBER break. i had explained to them that there was rolling admissions, and that the sooner they sent these in, the sooner i would hear from the university. the deadline for applications is march 1st - a week from yesterday - and now i'm nervous that they won't get them in on time, or that the mail will be sucky. but i'm angry because they both know how important this is to me and i gave them the forms 2 months ago. my mom is a little peeved too (you should have heard her on tuesday night. she was ready to call the president of my college and complain. LOL. i talked her out of that one), so i know that it's not just me.

but i really don't think i'll have a problem. i got As in the 3 courses i took there this summer, and one of the professors said that i had written the best midterm paper he had ever seen. hehe. i just won't feel completely at ease until i know, you know? and i'm extra upset, because i've been running to my mailbox every day for the past month expecting a letter from the MAT program. so i've kind of gotten my hopes up. ah well. i'll know soon enough. patience, megan. patience.

i'm definately going out to tacoma though. even if i (god forbid) don't get into the program, i'll go out there and get a job. it's either that or move back home (or stay in vermont, but that's not really something i want to do). i have a place to live in tacoma. i'm renting a room from the woman i lived with last summer. that was a good situation - she's an older woman (coincidentally she teaches 3rd grade, which is the grade i want to teach. i take this as a sign - of what, i'm not entirely sure) who rents 2 rooms to university students. last summer, it was me and some other girl who is a graduate student in the physical therapy program. i don't know if she's still living there or not.

it's almost spring i think (knock on wood). the birds are out chirping, it's sunny, it stays light until later and later every night. these are all good things. i'm counting down the days until graduation - we're down to 84. that seems like such a long time - but also not. i can't believe i am going to be a college graduate. it's like a major thing. when i was a freshman, i honestly never thought i would make it this far. i feel like i've grown so much, especially in the past year. i just have so much more confidence in myself, and am a much happier person than i ever used to be. i'm still really shy and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around people, but i'm a lot better about that than i used to be. i think a big part of it was living on my own last summer. it's the only time i've really been away from my parents, or from the structure of college or whatever.

i was looking at my scrapbook of seattle/tacoma pictures this morning. there's one that i took of pike place market, and i can look at it and remember exactly what i was feeling. i was sitting at the seattle's best coffee which is right across from the market - it was august 4th, a few hours before i went to the sleater kinney/patti smith concert on the waterfront. i remember how excited i was about going to that show - and just sitting there, i was completely happy. that's what life is about - those kind of moments.

well, this is kind of a crappy entry. i'm not that good at talking about my feelings. i think i must be getting my period or something. haha. sorry, probably more than any of you needed to know.

every time i go out somewhere, people look at my car strangely and sometimes even tell me, "hey, didya know that your bumper was all smashed up?" gee, no, i didn't. thanks for letting me know. i'm so sick of that. it's going in to get fixed march 4. the stupid insurance companies have taken like a month to get everything straightened out. but they finally sent the check to my mom. so my baby's going to be as good as new. LOL. it better be - it's going to have to make it 3000 miles out to tacoma. haha.

i'm thinking of going to see 'a beautiful mind' tonight. has anyone seen it? did you like it? russell crowe is kind of sexy, i think. haha. so it should be good just for that. i don't know. maybe i'll rent a movie. what's good? last week i watched 'rock star.' i liked it alright, but give me 'almost famous' any night of the week. (speaking of, i have got to call sony to see if i can get a replacement disk so that i can fix the dvd player on my laptop. i'm going to put up a big sign by my phone so that i remember to do that).

alright, time for me to go adios. so, adios.

2002-02-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Megan
It is my pleasure to inform you that you have successfully completed phase one of the admission process to the School of Education. You have been admitted to the ---- with post-baccalaureate standing

OH MY GOD!! i know that this is just phase I - but can i just say, OH MY GOD!

2002-02-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

i have this little page cut out of a magazine up on my wall right in front of my desk. i cut it out because i really like what it says:

what is real strength? it is the core within - call it confidence, resilience, self-respect that no one can touch. it's the emotional and physical well you tap into just when you thought you were tapped out - the will to push your body and mind one step further. trust in your own strength. it will be there when you need it; it will grown each time you use it. dig down, find it, revel in it. you are stronger than you think

i keep it because i think it's really inspirational.

so i had a nice weekend. i got a lot of work done, and i felt really happy with myself. i love that feeling of accomplishment. sometimes i wish i could sustain it for a little longer, though; it seems like for every really productive day, i have a week of blah/not getting anything done days.

this too shall pass. i'm getting nervous about grad. school - i haven't heard anything yet. not that i'd expect to, since the deadline is march 1st, and i'm not even sure that kate has sent in her recommendation letter yet. i just really, really hope i get in. i definately have all my eggs in this basket - which i know is not a wise thing to do, but i did it anyway.

i have to talk to the RA about quiet hours. this is getting ridiculous. i don't even think that there ARE any quiet hours even on weekdays - but even if there are, people don't care. they stay up, loudly talking in the hall right outside my door until 2 or 3 in the morning. i can't handle it anymore. i need SLEEP. i need some freaking peace and quiet.

2 girls from down the hall and i worked out to my yoga video this morning. not the crappy one; i got a new one. this one's actually pretty cool - it's called "yoga conditioning for weight loss." i don't think you can actually lose weight doing it, so i'm not sure why it's called that. maybe it should be "yoga conditioning for maintaining your weight as long as you don't overeat." probably people wouldn't want to buy a tape with that title though.

ok, enough. my room smells like coffee because i always spill some every morning, and am too lazy to clean it up. i suppose there are worse things my room could smell like.

i'm going to go stare in front of a blank word document now and feel like a failure because i can't come up with anything witty to say. sounds fabulous, huh? welcome to my life.

2002-02-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

hola mis amigos. i got my hair cut yesterday. it's a little shorter than i envisioned - it's probably the shortest that it's ever been, i think the hairdresser got a little over excited. i think it looks kind of dumb, but then again i always look kind of dumb, so whatever. it feels good - once my hair starts getting down to my shoulders, it feels all bulky and stuff. i hate that.

my friend nicole has appendicitis. ouch, i hope she's okay. just thinking about having surgery makes me all jittery feeling.

my parents are in florida. lucky them. i want to go to florida. i just want to not have to live in this dorm anymore - people are really starting to get on my nerves. they're disgusting, they make messes and don't clean them up, they're loud (steph - i can TOTALLY relate to your stories about your neighbors and their loud basslines. god, that is so annoying). i console myself with remembering that it's almost spring break, and then after i get back from that, it will be april. i will have my plan all done and mailed out by the middle of april, then i will go home and pack for seattle and it'll be nice. when i lived with nicole, the people who were in the room above us used to play basketball in their room. every night at around 10 pm, it would start. they also used to play nintendo games, and they had the sound so loud that we could hear it. i hated them. heh.

i went to town today to pick something up at walmart, and stopped and got a mocha, but drank it wayyyy too fast and now i have a stomachache. urgh. annoying.

sorry that this is so lame, but i am braindead. which is not good, considering that i'm in college and all.

2002-02-06T06:10:00.000-08:00

i got in a car accident on saturday. it was totally not my fault, though. i was stopped, waiting to make a left-hand turn. i had my turn signal on, and all of a sudden i feel a big boom. some jackass rearended me. and i swear, he was about ready to drive off before i got out of my car. jerk. he didn't even apologize - he was like, "um, i've had a really bad day." you've had a bad day??? there's NO damage to your car, jerkwad. but mine - the bumper is GONE. the estimate to repair it is 1400 dollars. good. i hope his insurance premiums go way up.

yeah, so that was a fitting end to a crappy week. but my ankle is feeling much better - although it still looks kind of bruised. but it doesn't hurt, so i'm not worrying about it. whatever.

oh, also - the jerk is going to get a traffic ticket too, cause he left the scene of an accident. we exchanged insurance info, and then he drove off. then i called my dad, because i have never been in an accident before and was a little shaken up (okay, a lot shaken up. it scared me). he told me that i should call the police because there was damage to the car. so i did, and some cop came out and filed a report and said that the other guy shouldn't have left the scene. haha, buddy.

nicole and i went to pizzzeria uno for dinner again the other night, and got the most wonderful four-cheese deep-dish pizza. yum, yum. i even had a strawberry daquiri - which i stupidly drank so fast that it made me a little quesy. nicole and i got a piece of cheesecake to go. and then on our way back to the dorm i dropped the cheesecake on the ground. but we wanted to eat it anyway, so we just ended up scraping off the top part where the dirt had gotten. we joked that we would give the top piece to someone we don't like and tell them it was chocolate cheesecake. haha.

well, i have class in 15 minutes, so i better get ready. later.

2002-01-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

the beginning of this day bodes well. i took a nice 45 minute walk with the girls down the hall and i didn't hurt at all. and then i get a really hot shower (which belive me, is quite a rarity in this dorm). and then, as if that wasn't enough, my coffee maker didn't leak and instead made me a full cup of coffee!!LOL. so, ok, i'm easily impressed.

i just heard on NPR that the white house had bought 2 spots during the superbowl for "anti-terrorism" commercials. what, a commercial saying "please don't bomb buildings. can't we all just live in peace" ? i'm sure all those al-qaeda members will be swayed by that. yeah. that's money well spent right there.

so, for today all i have is a tutorial at 11:00. it's supposed to snow and sleet. just what i need, some more ice to fall on!! yeah!!!!!!

oh, got my pearl jam christmas single the other day. it actually came last week, and my mom was nice enough to send it to me here. of course i can't listen to it cause i have no record player here. but that's alright. i won't give anything away, cause i don't know who reads this, and i don't want to spoil the surprise for anyone.

ok, that's all for now. bye bye.

2002-01-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

so i went to the nurse yesterday, and she took one look at my foot and said, "yep, you sprained your ankle." and then she gave me this air splint thing to put on it. for forty dollars. i asked her if the insurance i have through the college would cover it and she said she didn't think so. then she told me that if i had gone to the emergency room when this had first happened, they would have x-rayed it AND given me one of those air splints (which the hospital marks up to 80 dollars in thier scam to rip off the insurance company) and freaking insurance would have paid for the hospital visit (500 dollars) AND the air splint. how fucked up is that?

god, i hate this country sometimes. no, no strike that. god, i hate capitalism sometimes.

anyway, i think i'm going to start up with my morning walk again tomorrow or thursday. i'm just going insane not walking in the morning. i started walking this summer when i was in tacoma - more out of necessity than desire. the bus system there SUCKED, so if i wanted to get to the grocery store - which was about 2 miles, maybe 3, from where i was living - it would take me at least 2 and a half hours, because the bus on my route only ran every hour. so i just started walking. and then i started losing weight, and feeling better. so when i came home in august i just kept doing it, and then gradually i just grew into walking 3 miles every morning. and i lost about 20 pounds. on the days when the weather sucks, i usually do my yoga video (which, if you remember, makes me laugh cause it's so stupid. it gets the job done though). anyway, long story short, it's hard for me not to be able to walk. it feels like my day is not complete without a walk. plus, i'm really paranoid about gaining the weight back that i lost. i mean, i feel so much healthier and like myself a lot better now. anyway, so this is my dilemma. i think i'm going to start tomorrow, and just take it slow. probably not do the entire 3 miles.

well, at 11:45 i have my tutorial with kate. which should be interesting. i did a lot of writing over break that she hasn't even seen yet. i was goign to give it to her yesterday to read, but i got a little sidetracked what with barely being able to walk and spending most of the morning in the nurse's office. then at 3, i have "plan seminar." i'm excited about that - about having a class with only seniors and reading each other's work and stuff. i think that'll be cool. i've had so much bad luck lately, that i'm due for a good day right?

my coffee maker is pissing me off. it keeps leaking and making a pool of coffee on my floor. more bad freaking luck for me.

everyone's all up in arms about this eddie vedder concert for the realnetworks guy. i gotta say that, yeah, it does make him look like a hypocrite - but after all, aren't we all hypocrites sometimes? cut the guy some slack - he's not superhuman or anything, he's a musician. give him a break. that's just my 1 cent.

ok, gonna go do some work now. have a good day, everyone.

2002-01-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

i have an appointment to see the nurse at 11:00. i hope my ankle's not broken or anything. it still really hurts, and it's still a bit swollen too. we shall see.

if i had known that i was going to hurt my ankle, i would have bought some groceries when i was in town saturday. cause it's pretty damn hard to hobble over to the dining hall. it hurts. i don't know what i'm going to do about getting up the hill to my classes tomorrow (thankfully, no classes today - except yoga, which sadly i'm probably going to have to skip. i'm bummed about that.) maybe the nurse will give me some crutches or something.

i cleaned my coffee maker out with vinegar yesterday. gee, don't y'all wish you were me? my life is so exciting.

the practice wasn't on last night. damn. that's like my favorite part of the week! damn damn damn damn. i hope it's on next week, cause dharma and greg is on a little "hiatus" so i'm not going to have anything to watch if the practice goes away too. (for those of you who don't know: abc is the only station that comes in out here, and even that's usually in black and white. although the reception is curiously better when it's snowing or raining. i always think that's weird. you think it would be better when it's perfectly clear out, but no. hmm. can anyone explain that?)

currently i am listening to: "mirrorball." neil young w/ pearl jam. haven't listened to it in quite awhile. i found it the other day when i was putting my cd's back (when i go home i just put all the cd's i want in my little cd carrying case so i don't have to lug the cd cases around. much easier that way). "i am the ocean" is my favorite song on the album. god, i love that song. it's great. you should really buy this cd if you don't have it already. really.

okey dokey, i'm going to try to get some homework done before my appointment with the nurse.

2002-01-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

well, well, well. nice to see you again. it's been awhile.

i got back to school on sunday. when i'm home, i'm not really into the internet thing as much. don't know why. probably because i'm not stuck in front of my computer all day doing homework. ha!

i twisted my stupid ankle today. it really hurts when i put weight on it, and it's kind of swelling a little. if it's not better by monday, i guess i'll have to go see the crappy school nurse. my dad said i should go to the emergency room, but i really don't think that's necessary. at least i hope not.

my ex-roommate is back. she went to london last semester, to do some acting/shakespeare program. i hung out in her room last night and drank some strawberry margaritas. i had too many and got a little light headed. i try not to drink too much, because i don't really like alcohol all that much. she made the most wonderful chicken, cooked with white wine and artichoke hearts and lots of spices and stuff. i need to learn how to cook like that. god, it was good.

on monday, my ex-roommate and i went to the nearest town of any size - which is about 40 minutes away, in new hampshire. she wanted to buy a printer at staples, and i had nothing to do (well, nothing i wanted to do anyway) so i went with. we stopped for lunch at pizzeria uno's, and had the most wonderful four-cheese deep dish pizza. hello, heaven on earth, how are you?

okay, most of this entry has been about food. can you tell that i like food? too much for my own good, i think.

well, there's really not too much to report. i didn't do much over break, just hung out at home a lot. it was very restful and good, and right about now i'm wishing that i was back there. i keep telling myself that i only have one more semester to go. but it feels like it's going to be a long winter.

damnit, my ankle hurts.

ok, homework time. i'm going to try to update this thing more regularly from now on. later y'all.

2002-01-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
being at a pearl jam concert, and not having another care in the world.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
hmm.. eleanor roosevelt.

Which living person do you most admire?
my mom. she's the best.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
i worry too much - to the point of making myself sick. and i procrastinate. and i buy things that i don't really need. and i can't make up my mind.

What is your greatest extravagance?
clothes and food.

What is your favorite journey?
my favorite journey? is this supposed to be literal or figurative? well, whatever, it's a tie. between going to italy with my mom during spring break my senior year of high school. and going to las vegas to see pearl jam in 2000.

On what occasion do you lie?
i always lie.

Which living person do you most despise?
not sure.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
well, the person i love most in this world is my mom. i also love music more than words can describe. i haven't met the love of my life yet, but i'm sure he's waiting just outside the door.

When and where were you happiest?
pearl jam concert - boston, august 29, 2000.

Which talent would you most like to have?
i wish i could write poetry. or play the guitar.

What is your current state of mind?
eh.. optimistic.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
getting through 7 semesters of college.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
a butterfly

What is your most treasured possession?
i honestly don't know how to answer this, so i'm not going to

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
not having family or friends.

What is your favorite occupation?
well, i am going to be an elementary school teacher, and i think that's a pretty kickass occupation. i used to want to be a pediatrician, but i can't stand the sight of blood.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
ok, my ideal man is funny, kind, smart (but not in an annoying "i went to harvard and got 1600 on my SAT so i'm smarter than you" kind of way) and has a nice butt. ha

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
well, most of my friends are women and they are funny, smart and kind (what a coincidence!)

Who are your favorite writers?
lyricists: eddie vedder, adam duritz, tori amos
books: barbara kingsolver

What is your motto?
"forget regret or life is yours to miss. no other road, no other path, no day but today" - rent

2001-12-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

hellooooo. i've been home for about a week now. home is good. on monday my mom took off work and she and i went to llbean to do some shopping. we stopped at starbucks too - i'm sorry, i know it's an evil corporation but i do so enjoy their frappacinos and i hadn't had one since i left tacoma. i'm a bad, bad person, what can i say?

my dad and i went to the first showing of lord of the rings on wednesday - he always has to be first for stuff like that :) i liked it alright, but i always wonder why people decide to make movies out of a book that is so good in the first place. i'd rather read a book any day of the week than go to a movie. and this was just me, but i found it difficult to sit still for three hours. it's probably my own attention disorder, but i have trouble sitting still for that long. (the root beer that i had didn't help. i had to pee four times during the movie. my dad was not impressed that i kept having to climb over him to get out. luckily we were sitting at the end of the row).

OH! i finally got the almost famous bootleg dvd. it's wonderful!!! if you like that movie, and don't have this dvd, go get it. i love it. i still havent' had time to watch everything. i haven't watched the cleveland concert yet. i'll do that sometime

i'm going to see vanilla sky this afternoon. i couldn't talk my parents into going, and i don't really feel like calling a friend, so i'm just going to go by myself. it hasn't gotten great reviews, but it's cameron crowe. and tom cruise, haha. so i'll go anyway. my dad has to stay home and watch football. or baseball. or whatever the sport is that they play this time of year.

2001-12-12T12:13:00.000-08:00

(that wasn't directed at any person. just a general rant on my part. i'm not sure who all reads my journal, so i just don't want anyone to be offended.)

2001-12-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

confession time: i love pop music. my first favorite band was the new kids on the block, and i was heartbroken when they broke up. then i started listening to bon jovi, and they were my first real musical love. they were the only band i listened to for about two years. and then when i bought "ten," in august of 93 (yes i remember the date, shut up:P), i threw away all my bon jovi cd's. but the other day i heard "you give love a bad name" on the radio and i remembered all the lyrics. and... and.. i own their newest cd. it's not great music, maybe, but damn, it's fun to listen to. i'm now going to go on a quest to find used copies of the other cd's.

do you already think less of me? well, hang on. i don't switch the radio dial when the backstreet boys, nsync, christina aguilera (i LOVE that song that she and ricky what's his face duet on) or (gasp!) even britney spears come on the radio. i casually like creed. i don't own any of their albums, but i don't change the channel when i'm driving (the car is the only place i really listen to the radio) and they come on. i own the alanis morrisette - mtv unplugged cd and i like that too.

there is a point to this. i hate music snobs. you know, those people who like to think they're so much better than you because they, unlike the unwashed masses, listen to "indie music." god, those people piss me off. get over yourselves already! i'm just sooo happy that you can name some obscure band from the 70s or whatever. well, guess what? i've listened to television, and i'm not crazy about them. nor am i all ga-ga over sonic youth (they make my ears hurt), the velvet underground, or even the rolling stones. and as far as pearl jam goes... i HATE porch, i like dissident and wishlist, and i love ed's voice and i think he's the best songwriter in the band (although i think mccready and gossard are amazing too. and jeff, cause he wrote lowlight). does this make me a "lesser" fan? i don't think so. and people who make me feel like it does are just so full of themselves that they make me want to yell.

did that bore you? sorry, it's my journal and i can do what i want :) hehehe. i feel a little better now anyways. got a movie to watch tonight: nurse betty. no idea what it's about, but i like renee zelwigger. i almost rented high fidelity, but then realized that i've seen it so many times already that i might as well buy it. which i will probably do someday. but not today.

i'm also still looking for the almost famous untitled bootleg thingy. argh. i will find it. i will.

2001-12-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. where did my archives go?? well, this just will not do.

2001-12-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

is it wrong to have a crush on one of your teachers?

yesterday really was the awesomest day (i think i just made that word up, lol. i sound like a frickin' seventh grader. and now i'm saying frickin? what's wrong with me?) one of my friends from tacoma emailed me. i take this as a good sign from the universe. i just gave the recommendation forms to my teachers for grad. school yesterday, and then my friend from said school emails me. this is good, oh yes, this a good sign.

okay, my little petunias, i have something for you. i wrote this for my website, but then i realized that my website sucked and that i didn't want to do it. but i think this little thingy i wrote is pretty good, and i want it to have a home. but be forewarned: it's about pearl jam and how much i love them. so if you're at all squemish about such things, don't read it. and for the love of god, don't send me emails telling me how "pathetic" pearl jam is - if you don't like them, good for you. but i do. so na-na-na-na.

play c3, let the song protest
where to begin? i saw four pearl jam shows in 2000; i know that's not much compared to some people, but it was still one of the best times i have ever had. possibly the best experience of my life so far.

august 29, 2000 - mansfield, ma

i had incredible luck buying tickets on this tour. for this show, my fanclub show, i ended up in the second row, almost dead center. i couldn't have been happier. really. (okay, maybe if i had been in the first row, but oh well. i got over that real quick). i was in shock when i saw my seats. i still remember walking down and down the stairs and feeling so insanely excited when i realized that these five guys whose music means everything in the world to me would literally be in front of me. that's a feeling i will never, ever forget. i listen to a tape of this show now and i can close my eyes and go back there. feel that feeling again.

take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around

my mom and most of my friends think that i'm insane for doing what i do, but i can never explain why pearl jam's music means so much to me. it just does. it makes me feel happy, sad, and hopeful all at once. it makes me feel alive. i've listened to pearl jam since i was twelve; their music feels like home to me. i don't know that there's any other band i can say that about.

august 30, 2000 - mansfield again

round two. this day was kind of surreal. i spent most of it driving around mansfield looking for a place to eat lunch (yeah, yeah, i have a really bad sense of direction:) once again, i had good seats for the show. they were a little far stone's side, but hey, i'm not complaining at all :)

oh dear dad, can you see me now?

oh my god. release. from the first notes of this song, i was sobbing. my legs were literally shaking, and i thought i was going to have to sit down. the first of only two times that i have ever cried during a concert (the second time being in las vegas during crown of thorns).

they say that knowledge is a tree, growing up just like me

okay, this may not have been the most perfect, mind-numbing version of this song ever, but... i can't explain why i love this song so much. "no code" came out during a really tough period of my life; i was in high school, my best friend had just decided not to be my best friend anymore.. and i guess this is the song i most identified with. this song just builds and builds, and then when it breaks, and the entire band starts playing... god, i can't even explain how it makes me feel. it's that special to me.

october 22, 2000 - LAS VEGAS

i almost don't want to write about this show, because there is no way i can ever capture the magic of that night. so the setlist wasn't full of rare songs, so they didn't play the punk version of "can't help falling in love," so they played dissident... it was still one of the best nights *ever,* for the first time in a long time i felt alive.

driving to bradley int'l airport (hartford, ct), i felt *really* silly to be going all the way to las vegas just to see a concert. i mean, pearl jam's just a band, right? but as soon as the plane came in sight of vegas, and i saw a sea of lights like nothing i had ever seen before, i knew that i had done the right thing. i was doing this as much for *me* as i was for my love of this band. it's the first time i had ever really been away from home for more than one night. (well, i'm in college six hours away from home, but still) i think i grew up a lot during that short weekend. and i don't know that i would be the same person had i not gone. call me a freak if you want, say that i'm obsessed with this band, but isn't life all about finding the things that you love and DOING THEM? i consider music a part of my life... it's not like it's just something i do in my spare time; music is something that makes me infinately happy, and a life without it is, well, a life i wouldn't want to live.

life is what you make it, and if you make it death, well bless your soul

2001-12-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

woooooooooo-hooo! my semester is, for all intents and purposes, done! i feel like i should go out to a bar or something to celebrate, but it's cold and my mind aches from so much thinking, so i'm going to... SLEEP!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! recommendation forms are in to my teachers, my credit situation is all figured out, gloria thinks that my kingsolver papers are coming together.... gloria and i had a really good discussion about graduate school, and she said she's so excited for me!!!!!! i'm excited for me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god, i love my life. (ask me tomorrow, i'll probably hate it again).

yoga is still going on, and i feel like i should go, but i really don't feel like changing my clothes and walking all the way down to the auditorium.. so i'm not gonna!! yikes, i'm such a rebel.

;) tee-hee!

2001-12-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

i wish i had a scanner so i could put some pictures up. goddammit. i dunno why i just thought about that, even. i've been having really strange urges lately (hehehe. get your minds outta the gutter) like yesterday, i just passed by friendly's and was like, "i need one of thier milkshakes." but in reality, i have never even had a milkshake before, from friendly's or elsewhere. so i dunno why on earth i all of a sudden was craving a milkshake.

anyway.. still listening to counting crows. god, it's nice sometimes to just put on music and play it loud and dance and sing along. that's what life is all about, right?

i was going to say that tomorrow is my birthday.. but that's not true. but if i said it would y'all send me some presents anyway? hehehe.

god, i'm in a strange mood. i hope my mood's normal again by 2:00 when i have tutorial. or maybe it would be okay if i act all weird for that. i dunno.

lunch sucked today. first i took some eggplant parmigian, cause i love that stuff and it looked really good. but it ended up tasting worse than crap. so then i made a cheese and tomato sandwich, but that was tasting like crap to me too. so finally i just gave up and had some salad and a fig newton. but now i'm very unsatisfied. and that's going to ruin my afternoon, i can just tell.

damn, i have a busy afternoon today. i'm not used to having 2 tutorials right in a row. this is gonna suck. damn damn damnity damn. and i won't even have yoga in the middle of it to calm me down. double damn. triple damn even. i love yoga.

2001-12-10T07:19:00.000-08:00

this has started out as a most-excellent day. went for a walk this a.m. boy, was it cold! brrrrrrrrrrrr. turned in a paper. went to the coffee shop, got a large coffee for the price of a small coffee. now am listening to counting crows (recovering the satellites) and dancing around the room. god, i needed that so badly. i didn't really realize how long it had been since i had really listened to good music. 2 weeks till christmas! i love christmas. christmas is good. i love having nothing more to worry about other than what's for breakfast. not having to be woken up at 2 am when i have a class at 8 am. not having to write papers.

i think i need to take me a trip in the spring. a weekend in nyc, maybe. i haven't been to new york in a while. in fact, i think the last time i was there was when i drove to philadelphia last september to see pearl jam. i love new york. terrorists be damned. i will not live my fucking life in fear.

ok, that large coffee has made me have to pee. i think i might burst. so i'll just leave you with my favorite song at the moment:

i was wasted in the afternoon
waiting on a train
i woke up in pieces and elizabeth
disappeared again.
i wish you were inside of me
i hope that you're okay
i hope you're resting quietly
i just want to say
goodnight, goodnight elizabeth
goodnight.
we couldn't all be cowboys
some of us are clowns
some of us are dancers on the midway
we roam from town to town...
i say my prayers
and just light myself on fire
and walk out on the wire once again.
--counting crows

/me hearts adam duritz. i love his voice.

2001-12-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

mmmmm. chocolate milkshake. from friendly's. i don't even want to think about how many calories that is, i'm sure it's more than i want to know. oh well, sometimes this girl's just gotta have a milkshake. know what i mean?

my professor called and cancelled our tutorial. wonderful. and she made me feel guilty about not being here next week (cause i'm leaving friday! did i mention that yet?). whatever. she's cancelled like 4 of our tutorials this semester, so... but i'm not going to get all up in arms about it. i can feel the stress just rolling off my back. it's rolling away. oh yeah.

i bought my mom an enya cd. she stole mine and pretends to cry everytime i make a move to liberate it. (if you're laughing cause i listen to enya, then shut it :P) i listened to it a little bit, seems like something she'll like. so in it goes to the bag o'junk i'm giving her for xmas. so far it contains: enya cd, and some holiday smelly candles. i think i'm going to get her something from bath and body works too - she likes the cucumber spray stuff. i have NO idea what to get my dad. he's quite an egnimatic sorta guy. he likes cooking, watching the food channel (emeril and the iron chef), playing chess, and reading. any ideas?

oh, well, so it appears that winter has indeed arrived in good ole vermont. only what, 3 months late? but better late than never. while i was out shoveling, this guy asked me if he could use my ice scraper. he's from georgia. i said that he might want to consider investing in an ice scraper, seeing as how he will probably need to use it a lot. he agreed that was a good idea. poor guy didn't even have any gloves. tsk, tsk. i let him use my shovel too, when i saw that he was trying to use the scoopy part of the ice scraper to dig around his car wheels. that was nice of me, huh? hehehe.

for some reason, i've been really into the 'dead man walking' soundtrack lately. listening to the version of long road w/ nusrat fateh ali khan right now. how freaking beautiful.

update: my professor just called back and said we better have tutorial tomorrow after all. i think the negative vibes i was sending out must have reached her somehow. so we're going to meet at quarter of four, which means i'm going to miss yoga:(, but i really didn't want to tell her no, because then who knows if we'd meet at all! but dammit, it's the last yoga class, and i'm going to miss it. dammit, dammit, dammit.

ok, i best be going. have a good last few hours of the weekend, everyone.

2001-12-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

i'm going home on friday! lalalalalalalala. my momma asked me to stop in kittery at the harry and david outlet store and get her a couple of tins of those chocolate covered fruits that they have. ha! i bet those tins'll be empty by the time i get home. hehehehe.

driving back to school, stuck in a moment (u2) came on the radio, and i listened to the lyrics, and had a moment of epiphany. bells rang, birds chirped, and the sun started shining. i shouldn't be worrying about this plan stuff. i mean, i should be worrying about it, but not to the point where i cry myself to sleep out of pure frustration. think about the long run... i AM going to graduate in may, both of my professors keep telling me that i'm right on schedule for where i should be (and even a little ahead of schedule). i AM going to get into my mystery dream school that i'm not going to write the name of here because then i'll jinx it. i AM going to move out to washington (even if i don't get into mystery school - which i will, dammit). and in the shorter term, i AM going to connecticutt (two t's or not? i can never remember) on friday, i'm going to stop at the mall, i'm going to babysit for my ever so gorgeous baby cousin who i adore, and i'm going to have fun not worrying about worrying about this stoopid school stuff.

i can't find the freaking almost famous untitled bootleg whatever dvd version ANYWHERE in town. i hate this town (more on that later). i really want to see that dvd, dammit! i love that movie so much, and i keep hearing about all the cool scenes that were added, and well, i know it's on my xmas list, but i cannot wait until the 25th to see it. i just can't. if someone gets it for me, then i'll just have two copies - and i'll have a birthday present for someone else! hehehe. so me and best buy have a date on friday. i KNOW that best buy will have the dvd, and if they don't, well, then i'll cry. my quest to find that dvd is beginning to fill my life. i should have just pre-ordered it from cd-now or something.. ohmygod, wait a second, i think that i did. just a second, i have to go check.

..... da dum da dum...

okay, nope, last thing i ordered from there was the u2 cd last october. but i know that i pre-ordered the dvd, i distinctly remember it now. i must've cancelled the order for some reason. thinking i would be able to actually buy the dvd in this crappy town. i wonder what kind of psychedelic drug i was on when i had that stupid thought.

i went into the music store downtown, because i've been itching for some new cd to fall in love with lately. i've jsut been kind of bored with everything that i have... (although i have started listening to the train cd that i bought in may and listened to once and forgot that i owned). but i was overwhelmed. i couldn't decide what i wanted. i had an urge to just buy the whole store. well, not the backstreet boys cd's or anything, but pretty much everything else. and i can't be doing that. i just couldn't decide what i wanted.. so i walked out with nothing, and then regretted it, and then went back in, and then walked out again because i decided i shouldn't just impulse-buy a cd because i'll likely hate it and regret wasting my money. i have a funny problem with wasting money. i do it a lot. so i'm trying not to. anyway, my grandma almost always gets me a gift certificate to either amazon.com or borders for xmas, and i bet she'll do the same this year (i probably just jinxed it.. knock on wood), so i'll just wait for that and then go cd-ordering crazy.

i have to write a paper for yoga. yes, a paper. i'm not sure what i'm going to write. 'uh, i really like yoga. i'm gonna do it all the time now. i even bought a yoga videotape, but it's really bad and the yoga teacher on it looks like bigfoot and he makes me laugh. uh.... yeah and so, i had a lot of fun." good paper, huh? boy, oh boy, better copyright that one.

i went to ames this afternoon and bought a sports bra and some underwear. fascinating stuff, huh? i wanted to buy a toothbrush holder too because my old one fell in the sink the other morning, and i threw it out because that sink is just incomprehensibly disgusting. who knows what microbes are doing their thing in there. anyway, when i got to the checkout, the cashier lady yelled at me that my toothbrush holder didn't have the price thing on it and she just had to have that so she could scan it. and i was all like, it was 99 cents. and she said i know but i HAVE to have the thing to scan! so then she said i'll wait while you go get another one. but she said it really impatiently, and i knew that she in fact wouldn't wait and that i would end up having to go to the back of the line - which was, by the way, insanely long, because there were only 2 cashiers working). so i didn't end up getting my toothbrush holder. and the lady was mean to me. bah humbug. happy holidays to you too mean cashier woman.

i was planning to go to oceans 11, but i couldn't find a parking space and didn't feel like dealing with it so i didn't. oh well. next week is vanilla sky! oh yeah baby. i love cameron crowe. i don't think that there has been a movie of his that i have disliked. i LOVE 'say anything' (a big part of that is becasue i love john cusack. my favorite actor, by far, although he's been in some bizarrely bad movies as of late) and 'singles.' and of course, almost famous, one of my favorite movies ever.

i'm not sure if it's supposed to snow tonight or not. last night they said it was going to be an all out storm thing, but this morning they said it was only going to flurry. so i dunno. i parked in the easy-to-shovel-my-way-out-of lot, just in case. but there are fewer things in the world i hate more than shoveling my car out. although i love snow. so we'll see.

oh, and i bought some christmas lights. they're blue. i like them.

later, alligators.

2001-12-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

who likes my new background? just doin' a little experimentin'.

is anyone lazier than i am? i think not. i've sucessfully pissed away most of my day. didn't even have my regularly scheduled tutorial, 'cause my professor forgot her office keys. so we rescheduled for monday, which is going to just throw my entire next week off - but that's okay, cause, and i'm not sure that i've mentioned this yet, on friday i'm going home (well, actually, to connecticut) and not coming back until january 19!!!

ha. i just watched 'a charlie brown christmas.' /me heart charlie brown. i've seen that show so many times.. but the end always gets me choked up. when they're all standing around the christmas tree, and they start singing. corny, i know. but christmas really is my favorite holiday. and not 'cause i'm religious or anything. i'm not (although i still get very very defensive when people throw around stereotypes about christianity.. but that's just because going to church was a big part of my childhood, and even though the church people freaked me out sometimes [and that's why i eventually stopped going], it's still a part of who i am. but we'll save that for another blog, another day). i don't know, there's just somehting about the whole spirit about this time of year. and i know, i know, it's been totally co-opted by capitalist ideology, but dammit, i'm going to take it back. take back christmas from the capitalists! i just love decorations, and christmas music, and trees, and.. everything else.

hmmm.. i just bought a big cup of coffee from the coffee shop, and not the smartest thing to do, because now i'm not going to be able to get to sleep. dammit. i am not the brightest bulb in the bunch. must.not.drink.coffee.after.6.pm.

my parents went out to dinner, and they're still not home. i never gave them permission to stay out this late!!! they're becoming party animals. the other night they went to pepino's, and my mom sounded a little tipsy when i called.

what is with the freaking weather lately?? i do not like it. not at all. i shouldn't be hot in december. it's just not right. i wish it would hurry up and snow (oh yeah, and now i bet there'll be a blizzard next friday and i'll be stuck here. think good karmic thoughts, megan).

i think that's all i have to say right now. i know i've been slacking on the profound-song-lyrics-to-end-my-blog-with front, but my brain is too tired to think of some. actually, i haven't been listening to much music lately. bad megan! got to remedy that.

2001-12-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

agyeyegkhdyuigfhfjlyhira. i'm frustrated.

i can't do anything. i've spent the entire day either staring at a blank screen, or using the 'delete' key. i just can't say anything the RIGHT way. nothing comes out the way i want it to. i just realized that this is my last weekend here until january!! woooooo. i think that at this point i'm just burned out. i've written about 80 pages this semester.. only like 55 of it is anything usable, but still. that's a lot. and i'm tired. and i want to sleep. for a loooooooooong time.

2001-12-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

oh, one last thing: beth, who lives down the hall, told me that today was her birthday! i had no idea. she's 22. i know that that's not old to most people, but it is to me. and i'm almost that age too. i dunno, it just freaks me out, kind of. when i was, say 15, i couldn't picture myself being in my 20's. i dunno what my point is - i don't often think about my age, but sometimes i realize that i'm 21 (say when i'm buying alcohol or something) and it kind of surprises me. i feel like i should be doing something cool with my life. but i'm not. or maybe i am, and it just doesn't seem cool to me right now, because i'm so stressed out. i don't know. eek. most of the people reading this are probably in their 30's, so this is going to seem really dumb to you. sorry sorry.

over and out. talk to ya later.

2001-12-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

i just finished eating my dinner: a roasted chicken breast sub from subway. my guilty pleasure. if that's my only guilty pleasure (and we'll pretend that it is) then that's not so bad, eh?

i'm definately going down to connecticutt on the 14th to babysit marion!! yay! now i have something to look forward to. oh my god, i JUST realized that's a week from friday! wooo-hooo. and i'm going to stop at the mall in holyoke on my way. maybe do some christmas shopping. well, definately do some christmas shopping. my family exchanges names and i got my aunt margaret's name, and i want to buy her somehting really cool, since she's been so nice to me (not to mention that she's a kickass mom! she spoils marion a bit, but who wouldn't, that kid is so freaking adorable:) i have to buy my mom and dad something too - (we still buy presents for our immediate family). i never know what to get my dad. i usually end up getting him some kind of joke present. and i usually get my mom earrings. but i want to try to be a little more creative this year. hmm, that's going to take some work on my part though. so maybe i'll stick with the standards.

good lord, that was boring. is anyone still even reading? the people in this dorm want to turn it into a co-op based thing, and assign someone to clean the bathroom and kitchen every weekend (when the cleaning crew doesn't come). that only pisses me off because *i* am not the one who makes the messes. ever. i don't even use the stupid kitchen, which is where most of the mess is. and i'll be damned if i'm going near that kitchen, either, because the freaking IDIOTS in this dorm dump solid food into it EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NO GARBAGE DISPOSAL. augh, sorry i'm yelling, can you tell that this irks me? so there are little bits of i don't know what floating in the sink, and i am not going to deal with that crap (unless they want to pay me 20 dollars an hour. then, and only then, will i clean their mess). plus, these people are all rude as hell to me so why should i make their lives any easier?? hahahhaha.
once they stop being so loud every night even when i ask them to please be quiet, then we can talk. maybe i'll make that a condition: start paying attention to the freaking quiet hours, and i'll clean up after you. stop being jackasses, and i'll clean up after you. stop making messes, and i'll clean up after you. oh wait, that would solve the whole problem wouldn't it? i'm *so* never living with teenagers ever again. it's the freaking freshman who are making the messes. now i'm not saying that because i'm a senior i'm perfect, but i do think that maybe i have a little more common sense than those idiots. at least i don't pee in the shower, let's put it that way. i put up a sign in the bathroom saying "if you're not toilet trained, you shouldn't be in college. this isn't a nursery school." i love that sign if i may say so myself.

wow, that was a long rant. sorry about that. /end bitter megan mode.

the news reports about that american who was apparently fighting with the taliban just blow my mind. and he's only 20 years old, too. my lord - he ruined his whole life, probably. i'm not saying that i feel sorry for him or anything, i just can't understand why anyone would willingly join the taliban. maybe he was brainwashed, like his mother keeps saying. i don't know. i just can't forget that he's only 20 - younger than me, even. jeez.

well, at this point i'm totally procrastinating, cause i don't want to get back to writing my paper. i'm stuck. writer's block. and it frustrates me too, cause last week, the writing was just flowing out of me. it was good stuff too. but today... i just sit in front of the computer, and nothing comes out. all afternoon, and i think i got a paragraph. barely. and i think that it's pretty bad, so i might have to delete most of it. it's the stress, i know it, i feel like i'm under so much pressure that i get myself so paralyzed with worry. augh. i KNOW that this is what the problem is, but i can't do anything about it. i'm just really frustrated. and tired. and sick of the whole thing. i want it to be may already. i want to go out to tacoma, already. oh that's the other thing - i'm worrying lately that i won't get into the grad. school i want to go to. what then? it's the only school i'm going to apply to, because i haven't found another program i like. i guess that if i don't get accepted there i'll (hopefully) find a job out in the tacoma/seattle/olympia area. even oregon or northern california would be okay. we'll see. hopefully i'll get into this school, because if i don't i really will be heartbroken for a while. i'm going to ask kate and gloria to write me reccommendations this week.

well, it's 7:00 and i best get to work. (heh.. i best get to work? since when have i talked that way?) so, adios for now. see, mom, i do remember some of my spanish. in a while, crocodiles.

2001-12-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

i went to town today to try to do some christmas shopping... and i failed miserably. two hours and what did i get? nothing. not one single thing. not even anything for me! i dunno, there are lots of little artsy type stores downtown, but they all seemed to be screaming "tacky" to me. well, not literally obviously, but you get the idea.

i think i have a cold. little marion had one last week, so i'm sure i caught it from her. oh well. i'll live.

oh, the entry below was written last night, but in all my moron-ness, i forgot to publish it. so i went back and did that just now. and there it is. so read it, and pretend it's last night. or something like that.

man, i'm tired. trying to push your way through the hordes of christmas shoppers will do that to ya. i guess. is it bed time yet?

while writing about my movie escapades last night, i forgot to note how much a bottle of water cost. 2 dollars and 75 freaking cents. is that ridiculous or what?? it wasn't even a very big bottle of water either. in.sane. i shouldn't have bought it, but i was so thirsty that i was about to pass out.

i'm hungry. i think i'll go see what's for dinner. happy saturday.

2001-12-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

well. it's been awhile. sorry about that. i'm sure you all missed me, right?!

first thing's first: i went to see harry potter tonight. i enjoyed it alright, but couldn't help wondering, "is this really a CHILDREN'S movie?" don't hit me, please - but it just seems like there was an awful lot of violence. just seems like a lot for a kid - i still have nightmares about that scene in one of the ghostbuster's movies when the bad guy kidnaps the baby. i remember crying and crying about that scene. i honestly think that it scarred me for life.

ok, enough about that, because, quite frankly, it bores me. the power went out today. at 4:00. or maybe a little after. i was sitting in tutorial with kate, my plan sponsor. we were talking, and then bam! no power. and since it was 4 PM (not to mention extremely cloudy and rainy out - a seattle day), there was no light coming in through the windows. so we decided to go down to the dining hall, where we thought there might be power. but nope, no power there. so we went to the administrative building, thinking maybe they had a generator or something. nope. but the bathroom did have a really big window, and there was a marginal amount of light coming in. so kate suggested that we just have tutorial in there. in the bathroom. so there we were standing, talking to each other. in the bathroom. when gloria, my other plan sponsor, walks in and says, "i thought i heard voices talking about edith wharton. and i thought - could it be megan and kate?" so now all three of us are standing in the bathroom. and the hilarity of the whole situation was just too much for me. man oh man. i thought i was going to pee my pants. i guess you had to be there, but it was Funny, with a capital F. you know what i mean.

so that's when i made the decision to go to harry potter. no power = no computer = megan is not able to do much homework. so off i went. thank goddess the power's back, is all i have to say. let's hope it stays that way.

so, let's backtrack. thanksgiving: left after class on tuesday, stopped at a huge ass mall on the way to new haven. we're talking big here. i spent 3 hours there, and i didn't even buy anything except for a vanilla latte. (i went back on sunday and remedied that - got some presents for yours truly. not very xmasy, but then again, oh well).

got to new haven around 6 tuesday night. was tired. watched some tv and then went to bed. wednesday we left at about 10, arrived in maine around 5. went to dinner at my grandmother's house. on thursday my dad and i planned to go to harry potter, only to drive to the movie theater and see that it didn't open until 2. gee, how nice for them to put a notice about that in the newspaper. so i pretended to do some homework thursday afternoon. oh yeah, and i watched the tape of the previous week's episode of ER, which was quite good. i can't remember what it was about, but it had me enthralled for a few minutes (after you fastforward through commercials, there's really not much show left. what's up with that?). thanksgiving dinner was pretty good. friday i just hung around at home, then my mom and i went to see 'spy games.' not really my kind of movie, but really, you never can go wrong with brad pitt. to me, that man is the epitome of sexiness. move over jennifer aniston.

saturday, my aunt and uncle and i drove back to new haven. saturday night i babysat for my 11 month old cousin, who is the CUTEST child ever. god, i love her. she didn't go to sleep until 11:30, but i still love her. i think i'm going to babysit for her again on the 14th and 15th, before i head home for break. i'm sure that teaching is the right profession for me, because i am never happier than when i'm around kids.

that's about it. that's all that's in me tonight. gonna do some more work and go to bed. i feel a cold coming on (or is it anthrax??) later alligators.

2001-11-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

well, it's been awhile. guess i should update this freaking thing, huh? i just haven't really felt like writing as of late. no, no, that's not true.. i've just been really busy as of late.

first thing first... next week, thanksgiving! woo-hoo! not only am i going to get to eat REAL food (and my grandma's yummy apple pie!), but i get to go HOME, and see my doggies, and sleep in my own bed, and, and, and... i cannot wait until tuesday afternoon when i am out of here. only for a few days of course, but then two weeks later, it'll be winter break! ooh, how much happiness can a girl have?

let's see, tomorrow i'm getting my hair cut. i called this afternoon and made an appointment for saturday, but then i got to thinking that what if i ended up with some really bad hairdresser who ruins my hair? so i called back and cancelled that appointment, and made one for tomorrow night with the woman who cut my hair last time. i didn't particularly like her, she talked too much (!!), but she did a good job, so i'll stick with her.

ok, you know i'm pathetic when i'm getting all excited about going to get my hair cut. but i havne't been off this campus since sunday and i'm starting to go INSANE. so tomorrow will be nice. i think i'll go into town in the late afternoon and do some shopping downtown (i want to buy a little present for my aunt and uncle, since they're driving me home on wednesday), and then i'll grab some dinner somewhere - either at the food co-op, or at subway.. or maybe i'll even treat myself to the chinese restaraunt!!!!!!! ooh!

ok, i AM officially pathetic. but, whatever, i'm damn proud of it, and i love my life. so this is the plan for tomorrow: get up at 7 and take a walk, eat breakfast, do laundry (maybe!!), homework, eat lunch, more homework, drive to town, go shopping, have dinner, get my hair cut, buy a latte, drink the latte, maybe rent a movie, come back to campus.

ok, so i never said this update would be interesting ;) must.do.homework.now. g'night.

2001-11-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

i ended up renting a video last night. it's called 'heartbreakers,' and it stars jennifer love hewitt (who i can't stand normally, but she was actually perfect in this movie, i thought) and sigourney weaver. i had never heard of it before, and when it started i thought it was gonna suck. but it end up being really good, i thought. quite amusing. it gets my seal of approval. go rent it, people. you'll like it. but if you don't, don't blame me.

i just got back from a nice, long walk. i love taking a walk. it's probably my favorite time of the day. it's just me, my thoughts, and my headphones. it is a perfect fall day today; the kind of day i absolutely adore. kind of chilly, but the sky is just the most beautiful shade of blue. and you can smell peoples' woodstoves burning. i love that smell. this is one of the only things i will actually miss about new england. walking, i got in kind of a groove and didn't want to stop, so i didn't turn around at my usual spot. i kept walking, and eventually i found myself at the top of a hill that had one of those amazing views where it seems like you can see forever. and then 'state of love and trust' came on the cd player, and i just stood there for a few minutes. and then a car came along at twice the speed of light and almost knocked me off the side of the hill. that kinda ruined the moment.

my dad is starting to talk about our trip out west this summer. we're planning on driving out to washington, in my car. i dunno about that, my dad and i alone for 7 or 8 days. it may be enough to drive both of us insane. nah, it'll be fun. i've never really seen the middle part of the country before. i wish my mom could go too, but she doesn't want to take the time off work. she said they'd both probably come out to visit me sometime in the fall. of course, this is all contingent on me getting into the grad. school i want to go to.

well, i think that about brings us up to speed. why does the weekend always go by so quickly? i really think that weekends should be 5 days long, and the week itself only two days. wouldn't that kick ass? oh yeah.

i'm hungry.

anyways, yesterday's song lyric was by the always wonderful sleater kinney. in case you were wondering. i always mean to write who it's by, and then i forget. sorry 'bout that.

"who's to say where the wind will take you
who's to know what it is will break you
i don't know which way the wind will blow
who's to know when the time has come around
don't wanna see you cry
i know that this is not goodbye"
-U2

2001-11-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

hey there. so, my parents are going to buy a pick-up truck. i'm really beginning to think they are losing it; first they buy a second house on some remote island in canada, and now.. a truck! hehe. they're probably not going to get it until april, when the lease on their nissan is up. can you say "mid-life crisis"? :) i'm joking! i think it's great that they're finally doing all the stuff they want to. i mean, my mom has been wanting a vacation house on the coast forever. but a pickup truck?? i can't figure out where that one came from.

i think i'm going to get my hair cut sometime next week. it's getting longer than i like. must.remember.to.make.appointment.

i think i'm coming down with a cold or something. i kinda feel sinusy and achy. my neck is still creaking. i don't know what it wants from me. my neck and i have a love/hate relationship.

i am way psyched to go home for thanksgiving. i can't believe how close it is! less than 2 weeks. my how time flies when you're procrastinating. i'm hungry - maybe i'll go grocery shopping. should i or shouldn't i? decisions, decisions. tonight's the closing night of a play on campus, and i really should go to that, considering the dork-brain who lives across the hall is in it and i told him i'd go. i've heard that it's really bad though; the director is this woman from boston who no one really likes, because she is so snobby and acts like she owns the place. i dunno, i'll probably end up going to it. just 'cause i have nothing better to do. well, i do, but i don't really want to do it. see my predicament?

"you're no rock n' roll fun
like a piece of art
that no one can touch
your head is always up in the clouds
writing your songs
won't you ever come down?"

2001-11-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

hey, sorry about those last two entries. this one's gonna suck too, but at least it'll be longer.

i went to town today, mostly because i'm starting to get cabin-fever bigtime. i also needed a few things, like a new pair of exercise/yoga/lounging around pants, a toothbrush, some shampoo, and a new hairbrush. uh, yeah, i think that's all. i went to evil wal-mart again, and was once again ticked off by all the people who couldn't be bothered to return their shopping carts to the store, and instead leave them right in the middle of the space i want to freaking park in. lazy people. can't even walk a couple of yards.

i am currently rediscovering the smashing pumpkins. they used to be my second favorite band (after pj), but i really wasn't much interested in their last two albums; and i haven't listened to them in quite awhile. tonight, i was flipping through my cd case, and i found disc 1 of mellon collie and the infinate sadness (where the heck is the second disc? argh, i know it's somewhere. i need to straighten out my cd's; everything is in the wrong case). i had forgotten how much i like that album. there are some really good songs on there. i'm going to have to dig out pisces iscariot now - back when i first signed up for an aol account (years ago) i picked 'starla' for my name (not because i particularly liked the song, just 'cause i liked the name).

gotta go get my laundry before someone throws it on the floor, just a sec -

ok, just got back from the laundry room and i am officially a dumbass. i went to sit in my desk chair and it rolled backwards before i was totally in it, and i fell onto the floor. ouch! i think i broke my... whatever that bone's called. tailbone?

tuesday was the first election day that i haven't voted in since i turned eighteen. i feel like a crappy citizen. there weren't any elections in maine, just a bunch of bond questions. more money for higher ed., transportation, environmental protection, stuff like that.

ok, what is the appeal of 'survivor?' everyone seems to be mentioning how much they like it, including my dad. when i was home a few weeks ago, i watched an episode with my dad, only 'cause he promised that it would be good. all i remember is that they were drinking blood from a cow. that's entertaining television?

hahaha, no, really, i *can* see the appeal of shows like that. i would watch it too, if cbs came in here (it doesn't, the only channel that comes in is abc). i loved big brother - the second season, the first was more boring than watching paint dry. my dad even taped the finale for me - and me, being the pathetic loser than i am, have watched it not once, not twice, but *three* times. shh.. don't tell anyone.

i picked up my film from the drugstore, and i have a whole bunch of pictures of some random street, but i have no idea where it is. i think it's probably in seattle somewhere, but i can't for the life of me remember where. hahahahaha, oh well.

my neck is so stiff right now that i feel like the freaking tin man. i need some oil. it seriously creaks everytime i turn my head.

"and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light.
and your embers never fade
in your city by the lake
the place where you were born."

2001-11-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

megan is sleepy today. every night at about 5:00, i get a horrible headache. it's like a migraine; i get nauseous, and dizzy, and just generally blah-feeling. i'm not sure what's up with that. maybe it's stress.

i always feel so guilty writing in here, because i never have anything interesting to say. my life is pretty boring right now, all i do is write and read and eat and repeat.

i didn't even have any classes today. i went to a "teach-in" about afghanistan this afternoon. i don't really have much to say about that, just that this whole situation makes me feel so helpless and tiny. i don't know - i did try to write an entire post about how i feel about it, but it ended up being way too personal and scattered. maybe later.

i was going to go to the post office this afternoon, but i forgot. dammit. oh well - maybe tomorrow.

i'm sorry that this thing always sucks; i just don't really know what to say. i feel like crap, and i'm hungry. that's a start. i'll try to think of something interesting to write later.

2001-11-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

i wasn't going to write anything tonight, 'cause i'm in a crappy mood. i don't feel very well, and apparently the morons who replaced the muffler on my car used the wrong size and that's why the entire rear end of the car sounds like it's about to fall apart every time i go over a bump. so yeah.. i had to sit in the dealership (a different one than the one that screwed up my car) for two hours next to a fairly creepy man just to be told that. oh happy day.

this has nothing to do with anything i just wrote above, but sometimes i just wish people could be nicer to each other. ok, i'll write a real dealie tomorrow. but now, i must go do other stuff. later alligators.

"god sometimes you just don't come through, do you need a woman to look after you?"
-tori amos

2001-11-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

well. today has been one of those days. some ups, downs, and in-betweens.

actually, i'll start with what i did yesterday. i ended up going to town, and buying a bunch of stuff for myself. haha. there goes my big plan to get some xmas shopping done. i went to sam's, which is this clothing store downtown, and i saw the most perfect pair of pants - until i tried them on. first i tried my size (no i'm not telling you what my size is, thankyouverymuch) in "petite", which was much too short. then i tried my size in regular, which was much too long. ah!! how maddening is that? i have the worst time shopping for pants. i think i'm going to write a letter to all the major jeans companies and complain to them about how i can never find a pair that fits me right. all of my pants are either a tad bit too short, or so long that i practically trip on them.

i didn't end up getting any work done yesterday. nada. and i actually felt ok about it - well, no, that's a lie, 'cause i read a few chapters of "king leopold's ghost" (which is about belgian colonialism in the congo) for european history.

my alarm was set for 6:30 this morning, and i remember turning it off and then going back to sleep. blah. so i woke up at 7:45, when i have tutorial at 8:30. so i had to rush to get ready - i mean, it is technically possible for me to get ready in half an hour, but i just like having enough time so i don't have to feel like i'm hurrying around.

tutorial was really good today. gloria really liked the stuff that i had written. i - half jokingly, half seriously - asked her if she thought i would graduate, and she said, "i've never doubted that megan." awww. so i'm feeling pretty good about school right now. both kate and gloria like what i'm writing, and are saying that i'm on track and stuff.

my mom's sick. she has a cold or the flu or something. i'm worried that she has anthrax. don't laugh at me. she works in a federal building; granted, she doesn't open mail (her secretary has to go in a closed room and put on a mask and gloves to open the mail), but i'm still worried. just because you're paranoid doesn't mean no one's after you, remember.

yoga kinda sucked today. i think it's because i don't feel very well. my stomach has been bothering me since yesterday. not really in a nauseous sick kinda way, but it just feels.. not quite right. i'm not sure what's up with that, but i'll get to the bottom of it and let you know.

i have an appointment to take my car into the dealership tomorrow to see what's wrong with it. i swear, if it needs another new muffler i'm gonna be - well, not happy. my appointment's at noon; and i have class till 11:30, so i'm gonna have to rush around after class, and i probably won't have time for lunch. no lunch = unhappy megan.

god, i forgot how awesome the virginia beach, 2000 show is. it still makes me teary-eyed when long road begins. in honor of that show, i will leave you with "it's okay" by dead moon. sing it loud 'cause you're outside, and sing it loud 'cause you're still alive.

"this is my chance, this is my life
and my opening hour
this is my choice, this is my voice
there may be no tomorrow
this is my plea, this is my need
this is my time for standing free
this is my step, this is my depth
in a world demanding of me.

but it's okay
you don't have to run and hide away
it's okay
YEAH, WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY."

2001-11-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

this is one of those survey things that my friend kerry (hi kerry!) sent me. it's pretty boring, so you can skip over it if you want. that's really what i'd recommend.

1. Name: megan

2. Were you named after anyone? not that i know of

3. Do you wish on stars? maybe

4. Which finger is your favorite? my middle finger. heh

5. Do you wear perfume or cologne? depends. usually not

6. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you: hmm.. i'm not really sure. lemme get back to you on that.
update: the only actress i can think of at the moment is winona ryder.. but i don't particularly like her, so i really have no idea how to answer this question.

7. Do you like your handwriting? nooooooo

8. Who do you admire? oh gosh, all my family and friends. can't pick one.

9. What are the # 1 priorities in your life? spending time with family, graduating from college, writing, music.

10. What is your favorite lunch? grilled cheese sandwich.

11. Any bad habits? procrastinating (i.e. what i'm doing right now)

12. What store would you never be caught dead in? i have no idea.

13. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? i think so. but if i were another person, who would be me?

14. Are you a daredevil? not quite.

16. Have you ever been told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? i suppose

17. Have you ever stolen anything? no

18. Do looks matter? not at all. well, i like people who bate regularly and don't smell, but that's all.

19. Do you pray? sometimes, but not in a religious sense.

20. Have you ever met anyone famous? not really.

21. Do you like flowers? yes

22. Are you trendy? i hope not. i suppose that i'm trendy if i like the trends; if i don't like the trends, i'm not trendy.

23. What do you do to vent anger? listen to music at very high volumes and sing along, write, think bad thoughts to myself.

24. Are you passive or aggressive? depends on the situation. usually not aggressive, but i wouldn't say that i'm passive either.

25. Who is your idol? oh jeez... i dunno. i don't really have any idols. i think this question is probably asking about celebrities i admire, in which case the people that come to mind are: ed vedder, tori amos, adam duritz, bono, barbara kingsolver.

26. Who is your second family? my friends, i guess.

27. Do you trust others easily? nope.

28. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmm, i remember that i had a snoopy dog, and a curious george monkey.

29. Have you ever been on radio or television? no

30. Do you like sappy love songs? if they're good.

31. Ever kissed your buds boy/girlfriend? no

32. Do you have a journal? yes

33. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? not physically, no. emotionally, maybe.

34. Do you like sarcasm? yes

35. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? kinda

36. Do you feel understood most of the time? no. i don't even understand myself most of the time

37. Where would you visit if you could go anywhere? oh jeez, there are so many places i wanna go: tibet, australia, new zealand, china, japan, kenya, spain, costa rica...

38. Do you want children? not sure.

39. What are your nicknames? no nicknames

40. Would you ever bungee jump? sure, why not?

41. Could you be a vegetarian? i'd be a very bad one, considering that i don't like many vegetables and the sight of tofu makes me nauseous.

42. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no way

43. What are you worried about right now? graduating from college, getting a decent score on the GRE, getting into grad. school

44. Do you ever wear overalls? no, i can't find a pair that fits right. they're either way too big or too small

45. Do you think you are strong? physically, no. emotionally and spiritually, yes.

46. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? ben and jerry's cherry garcia. yummy

47. What class in school did you think was totally useless? phys. ed. not only was it totally useless, but i think it scarred me for life.

48. Have you ever been in love? no.

****
i had a mushroom and onion omelette for brunch. it was really good, but i think i ate too much. i have a stomachache now.

i was going through some of my videotapes last night, and i found one that i hadn't seen before. it was the start of some show on pbs - i thought that it was going to be a movie, but it turned out that it was a miniseries and i only had the first episode of it! it was some kind of murder mystery type-thing, and the hour of it that i saw set up all these different characters who had motivation to murder this woman, and then - the tape cut off. so i emailed my mom and asked her if she knew who the murderer was, and she wrote back: "are you mad? i have no idea what you're talking about."

my parents bought a second house on campobello island. those crazy old folks;) i haven't seen it yet, but all i know is that there's not much to do on campobello island, except go to see president roosevelt's house, and there's only so many times you can do that, ya know? oh well, if it makes them happy, it's cool with me. haha, aren't i so nice giving them my blessing? considering that they paid for it and everything. i guess this is what parents do when their only daughter is getting ready to graduate from college and move 3000 miles away from them.

i'm not sure what to do today. i should do some work, but that's no fun. i'll probably go to town - maybe get a head start on some christmas shopping. yeah, that's the ticket. i'm no good at buying presents for people. i guess i could always make stuff. i wish i had thought of that sooner, cause it would be perfect to knit an afghan for my aunt margaret. but it would take me the better part of a year to do that (i'm a crappy knitter). i can't believe how close it's getting to thanksgiving. where has this year gone?

2001-11-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

ack. i'm procrastinating again. you know how in my last entry i said that i was getting so much work done using my laptop?? HA. well apparently i spoke too soon.. as soon as i wrote that, i went back to sit on my bed w/ my computer, and promptly fell asleep. i mean, it was a deep sleep. for about 2 hours. and i had my door open, cause it was so damn stuffy in this room - so the people walking by probably saw me drooling all over myself. won-der-ful.

i love that new song by john melloncamp. "peaceful world": how ironic that that was his first single, given what happened and all. i think that this song came out before that, because i remember hearing it this summer. i also really dig that new elton john song too. i just heard both of those songs in a row, on the radio. that's why i thought of them.

i want some ice cream. i would go to the grocery store and buy some, only it's about 30 miles roundtrip, and really, is ice cream worth that? well, of course it is, but i'd feel silly just going all the way to town to buy some ice cream. last night, after the movie, i went to mocha joe's and got a latte, and then proceeded to spill 1/4 of it on the passenger seat of my car. go me!

this was an entirely pointless update. i think i'm still creeped out by the lice thing, so i can't really think straight. wish me luck.

and just because i can't resist, here are some lyrics from what is probably my favorite song of all time. in a while, crocodiles.

"i remember when
swore i knew everything
if knowledge is a tree
it's growing up just like me."

2001-11-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

i always feel like i get so much more work done when i use the laptop instead of my desktop. it probably has to do with having no internet connection on my laptop.

anyways, just taking a little break. i wanted to check the school calender on the website to see if there was anything going on tonight (there's not). at brunch today, my friend laura told me that there has been an outbreak of lice in one of the dorms on campus. oh great. she said, "i just thought i should warn you." is that creepy or what?? i remember in elementary schools how the nurse used to come in class and check everyone's heads, and then the people who had lice would be sent home. secretly, i always used to wish that she would find lice in my hair, so i could go home. but i don't think that i had much of a conception what exactly lice was when i was 7 years old.

laura said that the rumor was that the lice outbreak was started by some guy named ben, who i don't know and hopefully never will, who hasn't showered since he got here. now i think that must be an exagerration. i can only hope that no one is disgusting enough to go for three months w/o bathing!?!?!

ok, it's giving me the creeps just thinking about it. next subject, please... the freshman who lives next door to me moved out. for good. as in, she went home. as in, her parents were here today, packing up all her belongings into their big SUV. i didn't know her all that well, but she seemed nice. i always hate when people leave - but i guess that this school isn't for everyone. i remember how miserable i was my freshman year - i don't think that a day went by without me crying; you know how they always say that college freshman gain 15 pounds? well, i think that i must have lost even more weight than that. i just didn't eat - i wasn't interested in food at all, which, if you know me, you know is quite unusual for me. and then there was my psycho roommate who went homicidal and threatened to kill me. i'll save that happy episode for another entry.

oh yeah, my car.. well, coming up the hill to campus last night, i noticed it making the *same exact* noise that it was making in portland when it turned out that the muffler that had been put on it was leaking. and i was thinking, what the hell are the odds of two different dealerships both putting leaky mufflers on my car? but there you go - if that's what happened, it's just my luck. i am starting to think that maybe it's that type of thing you hear about where slimy mechanics rip off women. i don't want to think that, but things always seem to go wrong with the car when my mom and i take it in to the mechanic; but when my dad does, things always go right.

and it's still hot here. and it's annoying me. it's supposed to be winter, dammit! i hate warm weather, bring on the snow!

"it's not in how you say goodbye
but in the way you learn to fly
in the last tear you cried
you found freedom"

2001-11-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

oh, how could i forget to mention that my car is being a jerk again - making funny noises that it shouldn't make, and such. i'm going to have to call the dealership on monday and make an appointment, i guess. *sigh* what a pain in the behind.

2001-11-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

well, today was a pretty good day. i spent most of the morning and afternoon writing - and i think i finally have some really good stuff. i mean, it's not really in the form of a paper - cause i can't figure out how to organize it yet, but that'll come in time. at least i'll have something to show gloria (my professor/Plan sponsor) on monday morning. *phew*

i just realized that half of the people reading this thing probably have no clue what a Plan is. well, lemme tell ya: it's kinda like a master's thesis. basically, to graduate from this school, every senior has to write a really big paper - how long it is really depends on the student. some people do Plans in theatre, music or dance in which case they probably do a play/recital, and don't write as much as, say, a literature student (which i kinda am) would.

i say "kinda," because i'm really an american studies/literature student - with more of the emphasis on american studies. basically, i'm writing two really distinct papers. the first one will be about the novels of kate chopin and edith wharton (and i might possibly add charlotte perkins gilman and/or sarah orne jewett to that list), with a focus on their critiques of marriage. my second paper is going to be about more contemporary u.s. women writers - focusing specifically on barbara kingsolver (who happens to be my favorite author). this is the paper i'm having the most trouble writing about - i'm not entirely sure what aspect of kingsolver's novels i want to examine.
i'm thinking that i want to do something with the communities that she creates in her novels - but i'm having a lot of trouble figuring out where to begin.

sooooooooooo... what else happened today? oh yeah, i did some laundry this morning - i normally wouldn't even mention that, but something pretty funny happened. when i went to take my clothes out of the dryer, i noticed a pair of boxer shorts that had definately not been in my laundry when i had put it in the dryer.. so i was kinda confused. i held the shorts up, and said "what the..." just then, some guy who i don't know pops his head in the door and says, "oh, those are my shorts."

that's it. there's no punch line. sorry. i guess you had to be there - but it was amusing to my half-awake brain, anyway. and that's really all that counts.

i went to see "k-pax" tonight. i liked it, i thought it was really good. probably not the best movie ever, but it made me laugh, it made me cry, and most importantly, it made me think. i won't try to describe it, cause i'm no good at that. i'll just leave that to the professionals.

after the movie, i stopped at walmart (ugh), and got some cd-r's to mail to some guy who's going to copy both bridge shows for me. i'm really excited to hear those. i just realized that i have a lot of blank videotapes - i'm going to have to find someone to copy some pearl jam videos for me :) my "collection," if i can even call that, is pretty darn pathetic, bordering on non-existent. all that i have is both nights from bridge 99, and verona 2000. oh, here is a shameless plea, to you my readers: i really want a tape (audio, there is no video that i'm aware of - but i don't know much, so there might well be) of augusta, maine 96. i know that a tape exists, i just haven't been able to find it anywhere. (not that i've really tried that hard). anyway, it was my first pj show, and it'd mean a lot to me to have a tape of it. so if you can help me out: starla_766@yahoo.com

oh, i also FINALLY remembered to drop off the last roll of film from this summer. i have been carrying that around in my purse since august, and kept forgetting about it every time i went out. it's my last roll from tacoma/seattle - i don't even remember what's on it; probably some shots of people from my classes, and maybe some of the patti smith/sleater kinney concert. i'm not sure. pretty excited to see them, though.

i heard from someone today that i hadn't heard from in quite awhile, and that was really nice. i love when people send me emails out of the blue like that. it makes me feel so loved, and that's a feeling you can never get tired of.

i finally found my achtung baby! cd. i couldn't find it anywhere - and it was beginning to drive me mad. but i found it in my room at home - for some reason, i had left a bunch of my favorite cd's there. and i opened up my car trunk today, and what do i find? more cd's. my copies of virginia beach and las vegas 2000 - yay! i had been wondering where those went. i feel like i have found my babies.

and now i will leave you with one of my current favorite songs - and i'll probably get a few words wrong, cause i'm doing it from memory. deal with it; pretend that i'm ed and it's a pearl jam concert:) and remember: sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

winded is the sailor
drifting by the storm
wounded is the organ
he left all
bloodied on the shore
gorgeous was his savior.
sees her.. drowning in his wake -
daily tastes the salt of her tears, but
chance blamed fate.
ransom paid the devil
he whispers pleasing words
triumphant are the angels
if they can get there first.
turns the bow back, tows, and drops the line
puts his faith in love, and tremor christ

2001-11-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

i feel all discombobulated today.

i think it's the weather. yesterday was october, but it felt more like early january outside. today is november, and it feels like april. this wacky weather is really starting to mess with my internal sense of serenity.

it rained pretty hard last night. i love the sound of rain. so i was in a pretty good mood when i woke up, although the rotten weather prevented me from taking a walk, but anyway... i'm on my way to breakfast, and out of nowhere a car zooms by and covers me with mud. so i had to come back to the room and change my shirt. which really messes with my laundry schedule, cause it's nearing the end of the week and i usually do laundry on fridays and the only clean shirts i had left are the ones i don't really like. ya know how you have certain clothes that just feel weird and tight and are the wrong color and make you look dumb but that you're just to lazy to get rid of? well, i'm wearing one of those shirts today. and i'm not happy about it.

well, that was fascinating huh? i had a really good tutorial with kate today - she really gave me some good, concrete ideas for my paper. she's going to be gone next week - she's going to some american studies conference in washington. so i'll have two weeks to work on some more writing to give her. she also helped me figure out how to get rid of something that is really causing me a whole lot of needless stress. i'm taking a european history class, and the final project for that class is a 15-20 page paper. i told kate about how i thought that doing that and all my writing for tutorials was wayyyyy too much, and she agreed - she said i'd be mad to try to take all that on. so i'm just going to drop a credit from that class and add a credit to my tutorial. so i won't lose any credits graduation-wise, which is what i was worrying about. i love it when problems get solved.

so, today is the end of my week. no classes until 8:30 on monday. i'm on my own again this weekend - miya is going to boston to meet her internet boyfriend's parents. (i call him her 'internet boyfriend' cause she met him by putting a personal ad on yahoo.com). maybe i'll go to a movie. i know i said that i was going to wait to see "k pax" when it comes out on video, but i think that i've changed my mind. i need a little distraction. unfortunately, the movie theatre doesn't have a phone number listed in the phonebook, so i just kind of have to go to town and hope that something is playing when i get there. pain in the butt.

i think that sonic youth is playing in northampton sometime later this month. i thought about going, but i don't think i will. i enjoy their music alright, but seeing them live always ends up making my ears and head hurt. i'm sorry, i know i shouldn't say that, but there ya go. i saw them, what, 3 times last year? twice in boston opening for pj, and then at some festival that i only went to cause sleater-kinney was playing there. i've missed a couple cool concerts around here lately. tori amos played in wallingford. i really should have gone, but i didn't get it together early enough to get a good ticket. and counting crows were at smith college. again, i didn't find out about it early enough to get a ticket that would justify me driving down to northampton and back. oh well.

there is a man in the trees outside my window. hmmm... that seems a little odd. i think i'll go close the curtains. later, alligators.

2001-10-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

well, i am having a semi-interesting day. yeah - "semi-interesting" would be the keyword there.

i did some writing this morning. and then at lunch i signed my housing contract - same room for me next semester; this would be a good thing, if i could figure out how to turn the damn heater down! apparently, the knob doesn't really control anything. maybe last night was just an anomoly (is that spelled wrong? it looks weird to me.) or something. because today, i still have the radiator shut off, and HEAT IS STILL COMING OUT! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. why, oh why? i can just never win. i must be being punished for a past life or something. you should have seen me, i was on my back trying to twist that damn knob every which-way. it's just hopeless. this room is like a freaking jungle. i'm convinced that vines are gonna start growing from the ceiling.

hey steph! thanks for mentioning me in your journal. and thanks for saying something nice about me on the newsgroup. i swear, threads like that give me a headache and leave me seeing double. i'm sorry about your yoga troubles. a couple weeks ago, i ordered a yoga video from amazon.com - and it is the creepiest thing in the world. it's called "yoga with ali macgraw" (who is ali macgraw? is she an actress or somthing?). anyway, she's not the creepiest part - although she is kinda pale looking, but that's really beside the point - the guy who's the yoga teacher is. he looks like a cross between bigfoot and santa claus. plus his voice is so eerie. i can't explain it - but, even though the video box says he's some master yoga teacher or whatever, i can never actually concentrate on doing yoga when i watch that video. usually i just end up convulsed in laughter on the floor. plus, the video is set in this "desert" - which is so obviously a soundstage in new york or something, they didn't even bother to make it look realistic - and the music is a cross between enya and something you would hear on an elevator. it's kind of pathetic, really. that's what you get for buying the cheapest video you can find, i guess.

i'm excited about thanksgiving. and i think that i found a way to get around having to drive the 7 hours home, all by myself. my aunt and uncle, who live in new haven, have decided to come up and have thanksgiving with my parents and grandma and i - so instead of driving home, i'm probably just going to drive to their house, which is only two hours from here, and ride up to maine with them. that'll be nice, cause i can spend time with my cute little baby cousin, who i haven't seen since i went to visit them last april.

someone else told me today that they think i have really cool taste in music! so that's 3 people in this dorm so far who have said that. i'm not used to hearing people tell me that. usually people hate the stuff that i listen to. i can't remember what was in the cd player when they said that... oh yeah, it was the rockfords. the rockfords rock. i love carrie akre's voice. i wish i could see them live sometime, but i really think that there's a better chance that pigs could fly. although, i did see carrie when i was in seattle this summer, so that was really awesome.

well, sorry that this was so boring. but my life is pretty uneventful at the moment. all work and no play makes megan's life verrrrrry boring.

"i am covered in skin
no one gets to come in
pull me out from inside
i am folded and unfolded and unfolding
i am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am ready
i am fine"
-counting crows

2001-10-31T06:26:00.000-08:00

dammit. brad is doing a west coast tour in november. yet another band that i am never ever going to see live because i live in the middle of nowhere. grrr... i'm annoyed. of course i'm happy for everyone that's going to see them live... but i'm still annoyed. ok, that's all.

2001-10-31T06:18:00.000-08:00

i slept really well last night. it took me awhile to fall asleep, but i didn't have anymore nightmares. and i figured out how to fix the heat in my room. i'm almost embarrased to say what i did, cause it seems so obvious, and it makes me look like an idiot for not doing it sooner. suffice it to say, there is a knob on the outside of the radiator, and it wasn't until i talked to my mom on the phone and she asked if there was some way to turn the heater off that it dawned on me that that's what that knob was for. egad, how stupid am i? i told you it was embarrassing.

ok, i'm sitting here with wet hair; i have to put my makeup on and dry my hair. judge judy is playing in the background. that show is evil. but i like it. 'good morning america' made me cry AGAIN today.. but today it wasn't because there were stories about people dying and depressing stuff like that. they had all these really really cute kids dressed up in their halloween costumes. and it was just so awesome to see. life continues.

do you ever feel like you're invisible? ok, last night at dinner, i was just sitting at a table (by myself, cause i didn't see any of my friends around) and these girls come and sit down near me. keep in mind, that i have NO idea who these people are. but i'm all like, "hi, how are you?" even though all i want is to be left in peace so i can eat my pizza and get the hell out of the dining hall. but the girls don't say anything to me. nothing. very strange. and then the librarian comes and sits down, and they ignore her too (but all this time they are talking to each other so i know they're not mute). so she turns to me and we start talking. and she says, "are you a freshman?" ahhh! for some reason, everyone asks me that. i guess i must look really young or something. well, i know i do - i still get carded when i go to R rated movies. sheesh - i know that someday i'll probably be glad that people think i look younger than i really am - but right now, i just feel like i waited so long to be 21 that i get unjustifiably angry when people mistake my age!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, it's really cold in here. i don't think i thought this turning the knob off all the way through. ok, gotta go finish getting ready for the day. later.

2001-10-30T14:04:00.000-08:00

i had the scariest dream last night. i sat bolt upright in bed, which i haven't done in a long time. i don't even totally remember it. all i remember is that someone sent me an envelope filled with live bees. and they all stung me. and i got a horrible allergic reaction and couldn't breathe... and then, i woke up.

i think that's pretty self explanatory, what with all the crap that's been going on in the world lately. i really need to get over this. god, i can't let something start getting between me and my precious sleep!!!

i haven't done much of anything today. i'm such a loser. someone please slap me back into reality. argh.

2001-10-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

just got back from town.. i went to walmart, i don't know why i do that - it drives me nuts, and besides that, i HATE big stores like that, i can never find anything i want. (oh yeah, i go there because it's the only place around to shop. and plus, it's over the bridge in new hampshire so there's no sales tax. what an excuse). i swear, though, that place is the spawn of the devil. my own private version of hell.

last night was ridiculous.. it was about 90 degrees in my room when i went to bed, and the stupid heater was making noise all night. i guess the pipes were rattling or something. and i could hear water going woosh! woosh! in there. so i kept waking up every 20 minutes or so. it was quite annoying. and i have a horrible headache that i've had since yesterday morning. it's bordering on being a migraine. i think it's cause it's so freaking hot and stuffy in this room, but there's not really much i can do about that. i'm trying to use my fan to blow the air around, but it's not doing that much good. argh. why does i *always* have to have the hot room? give me the cold room! even better, give me the room with the thermostat that actually works! good lord. how much do i pay to go to this school again? i keep telling myself that this is the last year, and then i won't ever have to live in a dorm again... phew. can't wait for that.

speaking of which, i should get rolling on my application for grad school. it's not due till march 1st, but i need to ask kate and gloria to write me recommendations. i'm taking the GRE in january. i go over my little GRE study book every night, like a good little girl. i dunno about the math part though. and you can't even use a calculator during the test! what's up with that? i haven't taken a math course since high school, and i barely even remember how to add. this could be a problem.

the radio station here is so weird. it'll play, i dunno, that "drops of jupitar" song that i'm liked at first but am sick of now, and then some stupid paula abdul song from 1987. i like paula abdul every once and again - she was my first favorite singer (awww..), but it's just a little weird to hear on the radio. and they play ace of base every single day, sometimes multiple times. i can't understand that. ya know, that stupid "i saw the sign" song. good god, does it drive me nuts!

i should probably get working on the Plan. i'm just procrastinating cause i don't feel all that well, and am frustrated cause i don't know what to write. i think my frustration is what is making me sick. but feeling sick makes me frustrated.. it's a vicious circle.

"life is what you make it.
and if you make it death, well rest your soul"
-mother love bone.

yes, indeed. later y'all.

2001-10-29T17:17:00.000-08:00

will someone please take the vocal chords away from the girl out in the hall? god, her voice is SO ANNOYING. grrr. and when i already have a headache i don't need that. and now my ear is starting to hurt. peachy keen, jellybean.

anyway... yoga was really good today. not very strenuous, but a lot of stretchy type excercises. and then we did what seemed like a 20 minute meditation. just very relaxing, with soothing music playing and candles lit and the lights down really low. but then i come back to my room and it's like a million degrees. honest to god. it's like 30 degrees out, but i have both of my windows open and the fan on high, AND I'M STILL HOT! and i know what you're thinking - well duh, just turn the thermostat down. it's not that easy.. because 1)i live in a dorm and the thermostat is not in my room and 2)even if it was, the actual temperature in the dorm bears no relation whatsoever to what the thermostat says. so. there we are.

so it's 8 pm, and i am sitting here w/ my pj's on. how cool is that? i love my pj's.

"she's got her ticket...
and she'll fly, fly, fly, fly, fly"
-tracey chapman

and so it goes. how does time get away so quickly? i think i shall have to go to town tomorrow. my throat is kinda scratchy, and i want to buy some cough drops. i will not go to walmart though, because seeing as how tomorrow will be the day before halloween (i almost wrote thanksgiving - i wish), the place will be positively mobbed with all of the last minute candy and costume shoppers. ugh. it's just too much for my nerves to take.

god, i can't believe tomorrow's tuesday already! the weeks just go by in a blur. and so it goes...

and this has been the most pointless update in the world, brought to you by: the afore mentioned annoying girl out in the hallway who has completely kept me from concentrating on more important things than this pointless update. ok, that was one long sentence. i think my brain's fried. maybe i'll go watch who wants to be a millionaire. who knows. but i will do something. that much is pretty much guaranteed.

(i always love emails - hint, hint, hint. starla_766@yahoo.com)

2001-10-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

until tomorrow. here's another band that i love, and some more lyrics that i love.
"i never thought you were a fool. but darling look at you.
you've got to stand up straight, carry your own weight
these tears are going nowhere baby.
you've got to get yourself together
you've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"
-u2

so true. so true.

2001-10-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

"i know i was born and i know that i'll die, the in-between is mine. i am mine"
"no time to save up on life, oh you gotta spend it all"
-the pearl jams

why, oh why, do i always come across like a freaking looney-tune, psychotic, IDIOT when i talk to other people? am i just completely stupid, socially inept, dumb, WHAT??? what is wrong with me? why can't i ever do anything right? i normally like myself, but sometimes, like right now, i wonder why the hell i was even born. it seems like i don't have any purpose for being on this earth. i don't add anything to anyone's lives, god knows i'm not very smart - so what the hell am i??

ok, enough self pity. i'm not going to do this to myself. i sounded like an idiot... but so what? i'll get over it. i'll put on my pj's, snuggle with my blanket, and watch some tv. i just don't understand this life sometimes...

2001-10-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

hmm..i guess that by changing the template, i erased my archives. ah well. i wrote a post the other day that kind of would put the title that i changed this thing to into context. but, suffice it to say, pearl jam rocks. and grievance rocks. listen to the lyrics. listen to ed when he sings. sometimes he's a wise man.

2001-10-28T11:04:00.000-08:00

hmm, let's see.

2001-10-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

i love when the time changes back. i seriously do. i think that i have the opposite of seasonal affective disorder. i have this weird disorder where i don't like sun. i'm much happier when it's dark. so now it gets dark earlier and earlier! i love it. yeah baby!

last night, the muse visited me, and helped me write some stuff for my Plan (which is capitalized so it's importance will not be underestimated). from about 8:30-11:30, when i went to bed, i wrote about 7 pages. and they're good! that's like a record for me - usually i struggle and struggle to even write one paragraph that i'm happy with. i dunno, i think that maybe writing here is helping to get my brain jump-started, or something. and this is way better than a normal diary, cause i just never have the motivation to write in a notebook that i know no one will ever see. plus i can type way faster and easier than i can print. and so it goes.

i want to see "k pax." i love kevin spacey, and i keep seeing really good reviews of it. i'll probably wait till it comes on video though, cause i'm sure it's not playing anywhere around here, and even if it were, when the hell am i gonna have time to go to a movie? it should be out on video by summer, right? so i'll just rent it then. or maybe i'll go to see it if it ever comes to a theatre near me. which i somehow doubt, because the trendy movie theatre in town is still playing a perfect storm (which came out the summer before last. i remember because i went to see it july 1st, 2000 to get my mind off of what happened at roskilde. funny the things you remember).

so yeah. that's my life in a nutshell. writing, writing, and then tonight i'm going to meet with another senior who asked me to read one of her Plan papers for her. so i have to think of intellectual things to say, so i sound all smart and stuff. today: write, do some more writing, take a break, eat dinner, meet w/ niki, watch 'the practice,' go to bed. tomorrow: tutorial and yoga, writing in between.

adios.

2001-10-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

well. tonight's the night of the scary halloween party up on the hill. i think that i shall just lock my door, and spend the night doing some writing. it's not that i dislike all parties; it's more that i dislike pretty much all the people at this school. well, that's not true. i guess it's more that i'm just indifferent to them. and i really have no desire to spend the night hanging out with some drunk lunatics and watch them tear apart the entire campus. i'll just get up in the morning and see the damage, thankuverymuch.

i dunno, do i seem like a bitter person? i just reread that, and i realized that to someone who doesn't know me - and maybe to someone who does know me - that i might not come across well. i'm really a pretty nice and happy person i think. and i like most people. i just don't like people - who seem to be in the majority at this school for some odd reason - who have superiority complexes, are completely irresponsible, don't think before they do things, don't even care about the repurcussions their actions can have on others, show a complete lack of respect for others, have no common sense, and etc.. i dunno, i keep to myself - out of choice, because i'd rather be alone or with just one or two close friends than at a loud noisy party w/ people i don't know and/or like - but i try to be respectful of others. like i don't play my music loud after 9 pm on weeknights - well, really, it's quite rare that i have music on that's loud enough to be heard down the hall when i have my door closed. but certainly, if someone knocked on my door and asked me to turn the music down, i wouldn't even question them - "well, why. it's only 2 am on a thursday" (yes, that's happened to me before) - i would just do it. and i expect the same kind of respect. i certainly don't expect to be called a "freak" just because i ask someone - quite nicely, i might add - to turn their throbbing, annoying techno music down at 3 am on a sunday morning when i have a class at 10 am on monday.

anyway. i didn't intend to write all that, but i just don't understand why grown adults have such an obvious lack of respect. and then i meet their parents. and i understand why.

fried chicken for dinner tonight. i, in my ever rewarding quest to eat more healthy, opted for the vegetarian meal, which luckily didn't contain tofu. and was quite good. much better than fried chicken. and i'm quite pleased with myself now. even if my paper is utter poo, at least i have done something good today. go me.

2001-10-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

all this anthrax stuff is scaring me. well, maybe scaring is not the right word. i dunno what the right words are. i'm just frightened - not quite to the point where i lie awake at night thinking about it, but i think i'm almost there. i'm paranoid even on the best of days, and now is not the best of days. i just keep thinking of the book 'on the beach.' or that movie that i saw on bravo one time about a nucleaur holocaust and a small town in california that was totally cut off from the rest of the world while they just waited to die.

i know, you have to go on with your life, because what else is there? you can't just stop living. i can't stop living. but i'm still terrified. really. and the more i think about it, the angrier and angrier i get. what the hell is wrong with some people? i can't comprehend the complete and utter evil that can make someone want to kill another human being - much less a whole country of human beings. it just doesn't make any sense to me. all this fighting over religion - i know, i believe in the deepest part of my soul, that whatever kind of higher powers exist don't want people to be fighting over religion!! religion is supposed to bring people together, make them love each other, not tear them apart. eh, this makes no sense and i'm rambling. i don't know what i'm trying to say. is it too trite and silly to ask why people can't just get along? i understand that the religious and ethnic hatred and misunderstanding go back before the dawn of recorded history - but.. i dunno. i just keep trying to wrap my head around the idea that such unbridled evil and hatred can exist in the world. but i can't. i can't understand it. i can rationalize it, but i can't understand it.

everytime i hear "god bless america" on the radio or tv or see a bumper sticker on a car or a flag in a window, all i can think is "why aren't we saying 'god bless the world?'" that to me seems more real. it seems more like what this country needs to hear. i think about that line in 'imagine' about a world with no borders, no nations. i want that world. i want to live in that world. because it's not fair that i was born in the united states and am able to go to college and know that i can be whatever i want to be, while someone else was born on the same day i was in afghanistan.. and they were most likely doomed to live a life of poverty, of hunger, of fear. i have been thinking about that so much that i actually had a dream the other night that i lived in afghanistan. my parents and i were having dinner in our house (which wasn't really a house, it was more like a mud shack), and i just remember having this feeling of dread knowing that a bomb could fall anytime and kill us all. the dream was so vivid, that when i woke up, it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream.

well, i'm going to put on my pj's and try to get some more writing down. writing all that felt a little therapeutic.. it's kind of just a mish-mash of stuff i've been feeling for the past month and a half. maybe i'll write more sometime later. g'night.

2001-10-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

to whomever turned the heat up to 80 degrees: bite me!!!!!!!!!!!!! where the hell are you from, alabama?

2001-10-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

p.s. that should be "dump food down the sinks" not "dumb." hahaha, as claire would say, "i is a college student. yes i is."

2001-10-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

so. 'tis friday. whooopie. yeah, my weekend's gonna rock. not.

today i went to run some errands. i freaking hate walmart. i can never find anything there, and the people who work there always act like i'm ruining their day by asking where the lightbulbs are. and it doesn't help that they're reorganizing everything, to make it into a "super walmart," or some b.s. like that. it's a conspiracy, i tell you. walmart is trying to take over this whole country! they must be stopped. anyway... i left walmart w/o finding any of the stuff i wanted, and went to ames instead. for that type of store, ames is MUCH better laid out than walmart. got the stuff i needed, then ran next door to shop n' save and got some snacky-type foods. after a stop at dunkin donuts for a medium hazzlenut coffee with cream and at mobil for a tank of gas, i came back to school. so now here i sit. trying to work up energy to do some more writing.

i'm listening to screaming trees. not sure why i picked this cd out of the rack. i haven't listened to it in positively ages! i really like it though - so i don't know why i haven't listened to it. "sweet oblivion," in case you care.

i wanna go back home! not that i hate being at school, just being in THIS particular dorm. the people who live here suck. they smell, they pee in the showers, they dumb food down the sinks in the bathroom (which have no drains, so the frigging food sits there and gets moldy. uh, hello dumbasses! good lord). the guy across the hall never wears shoes. even outside. even when it's 40 degrees. none of my business, i suppose, but it's still disgusting. he could get diseases, for god's sakes! although, i know that not everyone is as paranoid as i. but still...

i feel kind of sad today. just kind of lonely. i miss nicole. i suppose that's to be expected when you've lived with someone for a year and a half, and then they go off to london. oh well, she's having a wonderful time i hope. i want to go home so i can curl up on the couch and watch tv and eat strawberry sorbet. i just do. but 'tis not to be, and c'est la vie. i'm going to try to do some writing now.. bye all.

2001-10-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

god, i love pearl jam. did i mention that? i really do. i can't wait until i can see them live again. whenever that is.

2001-10-25T18:02:00.000-07:00

well well well. i went home this weekend, and spent time with my mommy which is always nice. did some shopping; i bought a new pair of walking shoes (which i needed, since the tread on my old sneakers was seriously falling off) and a new coat (which i really really like). then mom and i went to the craft fair at the university. it was freaking homecoming week, so the place was mobbed. then on sunday night, some of my mom's friends came over for dinner. they were weird, but it was okay. on monday, i took my car into the dealership to have some work done on it. one of the things they did was replace the exhaust system so that it could pass inspection. then that night, my mom and i drove to portland - she had to work there the next day, and i went with her, so that i could shave a couple hours off my drive back to vermont. as soon as we got off the interstate in portland, the car started making the most godawful noise i have ever heard. uh oh. turns out that the muffler that the dealership had put on earlier that day was leaking. grrrr.... i've had a lot of problems with that place. me no likey.

all of this meant that i missed the pearl jam webcast. don't get me started. and don't get me started on not going to seattle in the first place (i never even seriously contemplated going to bridge... too much of a hassle). but i thought about trying to do the seattle show. and god knows i'd love to go back to seattle. but oh well. i guess it wasn't meant to be. i had my fun last year. that's all i get.

well, nothing really profound to say tonight. i downloaded the new song PJ played at bridge from 5h. it's really really good. "i am mine." my favorite line? not exact, but something like "i know i'll be born and i know i'll die but what happens in between is mine." that's a really bastardized quote, because i can't be bothered right now to open the damn mp3 up and listen to it. it's a truly wonderful song. god, i love that band. so much. so much. hopefully, the next time they tour, i'll be living in tacoma (fingers crossed). so i won't have to drive 5 freaking hours just to see the nearest show. that'll be nice.

god, i really really love eddie vedder's voice. it is seriously the most soothing sound in the world to me. there is nothing better than falling asleep listening to a song like "sometimes," "long road," or "lowlight." (and argh! they played lowlight live for the first time and i wasn't there!)

ok, i could write more about that, but it's going to make me cry... happier things: monday was the anniversary of me being in las vegas. well, that's not all that happy either.. cause now i'm all sad that i'm not back there. i mean, i'm happy that another year has gone by, cause it was really a nice year, but i'm sad at the same time ya know? i remember the opening song of the show, and jen and i just looked at each other in confusion - cause neither of us had ever heard intersteller overdrive live before! hahaha. of course then when they went into corduroy, i knew what was going on! i have the most clear memories of that show than any other show i saw, i think... "crown of thorns" was one of the best moments of my life. period. hearing that made me so happy. but it wasn't all that much of a surprise because one of the women from mfc told jen and i before the show that PJ had soundchecked "crown." i remember almost hyperventilating when i heard that. i was so excited. i just love that song, and ed absolutely nailed it vocally. it was such a great moment. i can't even imagine what stone and jeff were feeling. someone who had been near the front said later that they (stone and jeff) just looked at each other like "wow, we've been playing music together for *this* long." it was beautiful. beautiful. and BABA! ahhh! i had heard it live for the first time in philly, but the second time was even better! that was truly wonderful. i will admit that i was a little dissapointed that the vegas setlist wasn't more varied (and i'll NEVER get over missing "breath" by one night. if only i had gone to philly 1!), but i am never going to regret going to las vegas. never. i can't explain it - it's just one of those memories i'll have forever. and i can hold it close and know that it belongs to me. and if i ever doubt i was there, i can get out my scrapbook and look at my pictures and ticket stub and the elastic band that we got at the bar afterwards that says "10 years of pearl jam."

mmmm, happy memories.

2001-10-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

Name: megan

Location: hell...no, really.

Hair Color: brown

Favorite Relatives: my mommy

What do you think of Ouija boards? never used one

Guys, with or without hats?: don't really care..

Girls, with or without nail polish?: same as above.

Favorite TV show(s): ER, dharma and greg, the practice.

What's on your mouse pad?: uh, "universal." i guess it's a mouse pad company or something.

Favorite thing(s) to do: read, listen to music, watch tv, talk with friends, go out to eat, go to a pearl jam concert, go to a movie

Favorite colors: blue

Favorite kind of music: anything, really. don't really like rap, but that's about it.

In the car, AC or open windows: depends how hot it is (uh, duh!)

Favorite online buddies: kerry, my moomy, josh, miya, nicole (only cause i bother her). if i left you out, don't be offended!

Favorite board game: monopoly

Favorite magazine: hmm.. don't know

Favorite Drink: root beer, but i don't let myself drink soda often. so, cranberry juice i guess.

Juice: cranberry

Alcohol: not really

Favorite sound: the first notes of a pearl jam concert. leaves crunching under my feet as i walk by.

Favorite Smell: clean hair, mowed grass, woodstoves, vanilla anything

Drinks, with or without ice cubes?: depends if the drink is cold or not (duh!)

Worst feeling in the world: hmmm, i dunno.

Best feeling in the world: having fun

Favorite thing to do on the weekend: go to a movie or out to eat, or both if i feel real adventurous.

Favorite Song(s): insignificance, grievance, rearviewmirror

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: a teacher living in seattle or tacoma.

Do you get motion sickness?: not in cars, on boats though

Roller coasters- never been on one

Pen or pencil?: pen

Favorite authors: barbara kingsolver

How many rings before you answer the phone?: as long as it takes for me to get to it.

Future son's name: bert.

Future daughter's name: grace (this one's for real).

Are you a good friend?: the best!

Chocolate or vanilla cake? neither

Do you like to drive?: yes, more than i should.

If you could meet one person in the world, who would it be?: eddie vedder, mike mccready, barbara kingsolver. i know, that's 3, but this is my life so there!

Do you eat stems of broccoli?: they're the only part i like.

If you could have any occupation when you get older, what would it be?: elementary teacher

If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be?: uh, brown.

If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be?: my ankle or upper arm. i dunno what it would be.

If you could turn into any stuffed animal, what would it be?: um...

What's your favorite gum?: cinnamon!

What's your favorite food?: real italian pizza!

What is your favorite quote?: uh, dunno.

Have you ever been in love?: nope

What's on your walls in your room?: pearl jam posters from boston and vegas 2000, pictures of my summer in seattle, a calender, info about UPS, pictures of my cousin, a mirror, a poster of maine, and a fly swatter. happy now?

Is the glass half-empty or half-full?: neither, cause i just drunk it.

Favorite movie(s): almost famous!

Which one, Coke or Pepsi?: neither. icky poo

Which kind of milk is your favorite?: none

Are you a righty or a lefty or ambidextrous?: righty

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: yup, i'm a regular stenographer.

When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you first notice their: hmm, eyes?

Have you ever been attacked by a big dog?: no

Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork?: no

If you could be one gardening tool, which one would you be?: eww, no thanks.

What kind of shoe would you be if you had the option to be a shoe?: i wouldn't want to be a shoe. then i'd smell.

What kind of corn would you want to be?: what kind of corn??? huh?

If you could do anything to the person you hated the most, what would you do?: i dunno. probably nothing. jsut tell them how much i hated them.

Which do you prefer, mud wrestling or Jell-O wrestling?: um, neither?

What's under your bed?: dustbunnies

What's the best number in the world?: 21

What do you drive right now?: mercury mystique

What is your dream car?: i don't care. anything

Who is your biggest crush right now?: no one

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?: starbucks mocha chip. but i really like sorbet more than ice cream. raspberry or lemon.

Where would you rather be?: at home curled up on the couch watching a stupid movie on HBO.

2001-10-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

i was just in the bathroom, and i saw the girl who lives next door to me who seems so sad all the time, and thus reminds me of myself when i was a lowly freshman. so, i started a conversation. i asked how she was - she asked how i was - she started to leave the bathroom. and then she turned around and said, "do you listen to music on your computer or do you have a cd player?" me, a bit comfused, and scratching my head. "i have a cd player." her - "you have really cool taste in music!! you have a great variety." /me blushes. awww, shucks. yeah, i am pretty cool, huh?

me don't think i've been playing pearl jam lots. she doesn't know the half of how cool i am.... hehehe.

i'm really trying to write. really. i had to watch dharma and greg at 8, and then there was another episode of it at 8:30 - who knew?! so i had to watch that. funny episode, me liked. i tried to do some writing tonight, but i feel asleep on my chair w/ my laptop on my lap - thank goddess it didn't fall off! ack, if that happened, megan would be quite unhappy.

i'm really stressing about this damn GRE stuff. i got a study book from the library, and according to the "diagnostic test" (heh) i'm woefully unprepared. but i haven't had a math class since 11th grade!! and that was what - a bazillion years ago, or so? nah, i'm not that old. am i? 21 sometimes seems awfully old. i never thought i'd ever be THIS old. i thought i'd be married by now, and have 4 or 5 kids. nah.. but i did think at least have a boyfriend!! c'mon - what do i have to do, universe???

ok, enough of that. stupid entry, but it IS free after all. i've been watching too much tv lately - i feel like i have to watch good morning america in the morning (what if something happens and i miss it?? i've had that fear ever since roskilde happened and i didn't even hear about it till the next day when i checked mfc) and judge judy is on right after it. so i figure, why not watch that too? and see the dumb idiots who call themselves adults and fight about whose dog pooped on whose lawn. good grief. anyway, my point: at this rate, i am gonna be a bazillion years old when i graduate from college. so adios for now. i'm going to click "post" and see what happens. i'm so brave.